Captain ILL's Blog

A new home for Captain ILL

2009-07-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

While life has kept me far too busy to make any further progress in translating Captain ILL's diaries for public consumption, I have had many requests for status reports on the Captain's condition, as well as all the usual well wishes and condolences. As you can see from the photograph above, I have transferred the Captain's remains to a number of handy bottles with blue caps. The Captain was always very fond of the color blue, so I'm sure he would approve. Until some means can be found of un-liquidating Captain ILL, I'll continue to keep him in my fridge next to my ordinary water bottles that, while also having blue caps, are easily distinguishable since they have caps of a slightly lighter shade of blue.

2009-03-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

In this entry of Captain ILL's diary, we see the first use of his famous laser beams. This signature power of the Captain's has never been exercised with great precision, and this initial appearance sets the groundwork for a long career of singed allies, charred bystanders, and burnt buildings.

Dear diary,

I'm not sure how long I laid there on the operating table wondering what was in store for me. I couldn't help but think that there must be some reason that these noodle-like creatures had taken me apart only to put me back together again. Due to the strange feeling of restrained power I could feel throughout my body, and especially the burning pressure in my eyeballs, I suspected that they hadn't put me back together exactly the same way they had found me. I felt a bit like my Stretch Armstrong must have felt when I sliced him open to see what was inside, except when I did it, I wasn't able to put all the goo back where it belonged. All the noodle like creatures had left by the time I was able to move again and I slowly sat up and gave myself a quick examination. All my goo seemed to be back where it belonged, but the growing pressure in my eyeballs was starting to worry me a bit. Other than that though, I felt great! I felt stronger than ever, and if there had been a tall building handy, I had no doubt that I'd be able to leap over it in a single bound.

Eventually, another noodle-like creature came back into the room and pointed an electric-mixer-like device at me causing a coruscating beam of energy to shoot out and hit me in the chest! I was surprised and pleased to see it bounce off and bore a six-inch hole in the previously featureless white wall. The noodle-like creature smiled (don't ask me how a noodle smiles, you don't want to know) and told me the transformation had been a success. He started to explain that I had been chosen for a very important purpose, and that the future of my planet and even the galaxy depended on my being able to carry out this task. This was why I had been abducted from the cornfield. This was why I had had my brains sucked out and my body altered in peculiar ways. This was why I had to - He never got a chance to complete this last thought though, because the pressure that had been building in my eyeballs finally burst and there was a sudden flash of red light and heat and, when my vision cleared, all that was left of the noodle-like creature was a big hole in the featureless white floor and the lingering scent of burnt spaghetti. Because I had more curiosity than sense, I knelt down and leaned over the hole to get a better look. The hole had been blasted through several feet of now-twisted metal and I could see twinkling lights far below. At first I thought we must be in outer space and I was looking at Betelgeuse or something. Then I spotted the familiar yellow arches of a McDonald's and realized we were hovering over a city, presumably on Earth.

I realized with some distaste that there were slimy noodle-creature bits around the edge of the hole and my hands and knees were getting all icky. They were also getting pretty slippery which I only discovered when I heard the door open behind me and, twisting around to see what was coming in, I lost my grip and slid through the hole and went hurtling towards the lights far below ...

to be continued ...

2009-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

The next entry in Captain ILL's diary gets pretty gruesome when he comes to the part where the aliens begin their vile surgeries. In order to maintain a "PG" rating for this blog, I've had to edit out a lot of the details. For example, the part where they drill a hole in his head, liquefy his brains, and suck them out into a jar is clearly pretty disgusting so it had to go. Then the part where they re-wire his intestines to make room for a radioactive organ that generates power for his laser beams was very disturbing so I cut that out too. What remains is still pretty farmin' cool, so read on.

Dear diary,

A lot has happened since my last entry, the most significant thing probably being when aliens abducted me and surgically modified my body ... but I'll get to that later. I decided to go out for that drive that I mentioned in my last entry, but I stopped at the gas station first to top off my tank because it never hurts to be prepared. Of course it's hard to be prepared for a UFO descending out of the sky and sucking you up into it's innards, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I headed out of town and turned on the radio. Neil Diamond was belting out "Heartlight", so I cranked up the volume. "Heartlight" was immediately followed by "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" by the Carpenters. I was like "ick", but whatever; I sang along with that one too, because there was nobody else around. Even so, it got too embarassing to continue, so I changed the station. The next station was playing Styx, and all Styx sounds the same to me, so it took me awhile to realize they were playing "Come Sail Away". That wasn't quite as embarrassing so I left it there until the song ended and a commercial came on. While I usually feel obligated to listen to commercials in their entirety as payment for all the free music, this was a special occasion, so I flipped the station again. Here David Bowie was singing "Starman"; nothing weird or embarassing about that, but the headlights from an approaching car were getting pretty bright, so I slowed down and edged over towards the right. I must have edged over a bit too far because my car went sailing over the embankment and crashed into a cornfield.

I was a bit stunned, but I got ahold of myself and stepped out of the car to survey the damage. It seemed a bit strange that it was bright as daylight outside when a few minutes ago, the guy on the radio seemed to be pretty sure that it was close to midnight. Then I looked up and saw the UFO. There was a big shaft of light shining down from it, illuminating me and my somewhat bent car. Suddenly, I felt my feet leave the ground; I was being sucked up into the UFO! I grabbed at my car to try and hold myself down, but all I got was the radio antenna which snapped off in my hand. This brought an abrupt end to Bowie's crooning as I was drawn upwards into the alien vessel.

Inside, I found myself in a featureless white room being approached by a noodle-like creature wearing a cowboy hat. I usually like to avoid swearing but, as I said, this was a special occasion, so I shouted, "who the farm are you!".

"I'm the Space Cowboy" he said, and pointed a device that vaguely resembled a blender at me. I brandished the car radio antenna at him, but if I he found it intimidating, I never knew it. I passed out.

I woke up later thinking that I couldn't fault his logic; he had been wearing a cowboy hat so he was obviously a Space Cowboy. He had probably shot me with that blender because I had asked such a stupid question. I resolved to restrain the impulse to ask stupid questions as long as I was a captive in this alien dohicky. I was in another featureless white room, but this one was smaller than the last one and my broken antenna was nowhere in sight. A door-sized hole appeared in the wall, and another noodle-like creature carrying a blender appeared. I eyed the blender warily and when he told me to precede him out the hole, I refrained from asking why.

Diary, I wish I could tell you about all the cool alien gizmos and gadgets I saw, but I found myself walking down a featureless white corridor and intersected with one featureless white corridor after another. It was a good thing there was a noodle-like creature shoving a blender into my back from time to time or I would have become lost pretty quick. Eventually I was led into another white featureless room with a me-sized table in the middle. I was told to lie on the table and, remembering my resolution to not ask stupid questions, I went ahead and laid down. Several other noodle-like creatures shuffled into the room (is "shuffle" the correct term to describe the ambulation of a noodle-like creature?). One of them pointed a waffle-maker-like device at me and I suddenly realized I couldn't move. Another one pointed a toaster like device at my abdomen and - (this is where various disgusting things are done to our future Captain. It's best that the details are left to the imagination. ed.) - then, when they completed that procedure, they squirted my brains back into my head where I could feel them gradually start to solidify. I laid there helpless in the featureless white room as the aliens began to suture all the holes they had created in my body ...

to be continued ...

A Captain ILL Update!

2009-02-03T10:13:00.000-08:00

Since Captain ILL was frozen over a month ago, I've had many inquiries about the poor fellow as well as many offers of assistance throughout the superhero community. Unfortunately, the Captain remains in a hydrated state, despite the best efforts of the maddest, most brilliant scientists in the world. However, while cleaning up a bit in the ILL cave recently (Captain ILL was much too busy to keep a clean workspace), I came across a beat-up old journal that detailed Captain ILL's first steps on the path of a superhero! Although the volume is a bit bloodstained, and there's a two-inch laser hole burned through it, I will attempt to fill in the pieces with my own memories from the many times I've sat and listened to the Captain tell me about his many fantastic adventures, and share some of Captain ILL's early escapades here on this blog. So for everyone out there desparate for more Captain ILL, here is the first entry in the diary of the greatest man I know.

Dear diary,

I tripped over the garbage can again this morning and it hurt like the dickens! I'll have to find a better spot for it I suppose. I had raisin bran for breakfast. Not exactly the Breakfast of Champions, but close enough. I drove to work at ---- (I've removed any references to anything that could compromise Captain ILL's secret identity, ed.) and got a pretty good parking place. I think I've finally worked out the perfect system for finding a good spot. (Here the Captain goes on at length detailing his parking system. I haven't included it because of it's limited usefulness, and because I'm not sure that Captain ILL would want this secret revealed, ed.) I spent most of the day doing ---- and ---- but I also did a bit of ----. Then I came home and ate dinner and watched ---- on TV. Boy! I sure am glad I picked up this diary so I can record all these important events. I think I'll go out for a drive later before turning in. That deserted highway out near ---- seems like a nice place for a late night drive ...

to be continued ...

ILL answer desk question #11

2009-01-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Why is snow white?

Jack F.

Dear Jack,

Snow is not actually white. Believing snow to be white is a fairly common misconception, so there's no need to feel stupid for making that mistake. What happens is that cold temperatures cause the blood vessels in the human eyeball to contract causing minute distortions in what we perceive. Snow is actually pink, but in order to see pink snow you'll have to heat it to room temperature. However, dogs, due to their different evolutionary needs, have exceptionally temperature resistant blood vessels and so are able to perceive snow in it's natural pinkish hue.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #10

2009-01-24T05:36:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Why do things stick to the Earth instead of drifting off into space?

Neil A. in Cape Canaveral, Florida

Neil,

In olden times, everything was kept from drifting away with Velcro. Then one day a fellow named Isaac Newton couldn't take his nap because of the ripping sound from all that Velcro. So he developed the Law of Universal Gravitation that keeps everything in place by kind of sucking it downwards ... sort of like a vacuum cleaner but without all the noise. He tested his new invention by sitting under an apple tree until an apple fell down and hit him on the head. Nobody really knows how gravity works these days, because when Newton died, he didn't leave any instructions.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #9

2009-01-23T10:23:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

What is the meaning of life?

Friedrich N. in Weimar, Germany

Friedrich,

The meaning of life is life. A flower, a dog, a human being; there is meaning to be found in all of these. Unfortunately, meaning cannot be expressed in words, only pointed at. In fact, words can mislead as easily as they can enlighten. To make matters worse, you can't find meaning in the ideas behind words because they can only serve as pointers as well. The trouble with folks like you, Friedrich, is that you think too much, and not being able to escape your thoughts, you speak them out loud or write them down to create more and more thoughts in more and more people until we're all as nuts as you. So, to find meaning in life, a good first step is to stop asking questions like that ... besides, they give the Answerman headaches.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #8

2009-01-20T12:32:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Mary Ann or Ginger?

Joe C. in Marysville, WA

Joe,

Mary Ann hands down.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #7

2009-01-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

What smells bad to a dog?

Bowling W. in Marysville, WA

Bowling W.,

Nothing. Dogs collect odors like the Answerman collects TVs and computers. This is why they always look so sad when you give them a bath: you're robbing them of their hard won aromas. So give those poor doggies a break and let them keep their smells; if you don't they'll just go out and collect more anyway.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #6

2009-01-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Does sand freeze?

Joseph in Mukilteo, WA

Joseph,

An excellent question! As you no doubt are aware, sand is composed of silicon dioxide, often in the form of quartz. Quartz, being nothing more than a glorified rock, is already a solid under common conditions, so does not freeze. However, if you should heat up a hunk of quartz to about 3000 degrees (please note that the dials on most kitchen ovens do not go up this high), it will melt and then "freeze" once it begins to cool off. Of course it would be difficult to characterize a 3000 degree hunk of quartz as "sand"; a more accurate term might be "magma".

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #5

2009-01-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Why is there ILL?

Søren K. in Copenhagen Denmark

Søren,

On one level there is ILL because no single library can contain all the books that a person might want to read. This begs the question of why a person might want to read a book that isn't contained in his or her local library. Perhaps they find all the books in their local library essentially meaningless and are driven to seek meaning from books in faraway places instead looking inwards and creating their own meaning. Hopefully this meaningless behavior will continue so the ILL Answerman can keep his job.

The ILL Answerman.

ILL answer desk question #4

2009-01-07T07:23:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

How do you know if a question is burning? And, if it truly was burning, wouldn't it be a pile of ash and you couldn't tell it was a burning question?

Angelique L. in Sno-Isleland

Angelique,

Like Captain ILL, the ILL Answerman wouldn't know a metaphor if it fell from the sky like Captain ILL's plunging credit rating and hit him in the head. Therefore, he has to assume that a burning question would actually be on fire. It wouldn't yet be a pile of ash since ash doesn't burn, it smolders. Thus it would be prudent to inscribe burning questions on a flame-resistant object to ensure that the Answerman has a chance to read them.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #3

2009-01-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Why is there evil?

Dick C. in Washington D.C.

Dick,

Captain ILL would say that there is evil so his boots have a purpose other than keeping his feet warm and dry, but essentially evil is an illusion perpetrated by unconsciousness. How can we do wrong if we see ourselves in the wronged?

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #2

2009-01-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

Can you tell me Captain ILL's credit card number?

Bill Board in Coffeyville Kansas

Bill,

Certainly: 5861 8543 8108 8541. You didn't ask, but the expiry date is July 2009 and the security code is 935.

The ILL Answerman

ILL answer desk question #1

2009-01-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

Dear ILL Answerman,

How do you pronounce "ILL"?

Julie S. in Washington D.C.

Julie,

I'm glad you asked since it's very important to pronounce a superhero's name correctly. In this case, when spoken aloud, ILL should be spelled out. It's pronounced eye-ell-ell and not "ill". Captain ILL, having a superhuman constitution, does not get "ill", unless you count melting into a puddle of water as "ill".

The ILL Answerman

Still melted!

2009-01-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, Captain ILL remains in a liquid state. Here you can see his most important bits residing in the official Sno-Isle punchbowl for safekeeping. While the Captain is hydrated I will take the opportunity to answer some of the questions that have been piling up around here, ILL related and otherwise. So if anyone out there has any burning questions that you've been dying to have answered, be sure and post them!

Melted!

2008-12-29T08:54:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately, the rising temperature has not freed Captain ILL from his icy prison, but melted him instead! Is this the end of the mighty Captain? Who will fill his boots if he's gone for good? Does anyone have a magic hat capable of reconstituting melted snow?

Frozen!

2008-12-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately Captain ILL was hit by a freeze ray this morning as he stepped outside for his morning walk. Here you can see him with his fists raised in defiance of whatever evil villain perpetrated this deed. We can only hope that the temperature rises over the freezing point before it's time for the ILL of the day, or worse, before he has to sub for Santa tomorrow night!

Snow!

2008-12-22T09:19:00.000-08:00

Sadly, there will be no ILL of the day today. Captain ILL woke up this morning to find a foot-and-a-half of snow outside his door and decided to walk to his day job at the library place. Fortunately he has superhuman strength and endurance or he might have got a bit tired lifting his feet so high out of the snow with each step. The roads were mostly ok, but that's because the snowplows came by and plowed all the snow on the roads onto the sidewalks. Fortunately the library place was open when he got there. Unfortunately, they closed a few minutes after he got there. Tomorrow the Captain will call before heading out the door to make sure those folks without superpowers don't decide to close the building down again. Oh, and a special thanks to Jazzergigi for giving him a lift back home; even Captain ILL has his limits.

The Greatest Football Game Ever Played (ILL of the day)

2008-12-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

In spite of his great skill at booting and kicking, Captain ILL hasn't played football since he was a young Captain. The reason for the Captain's aversion for football can no doubt be traced to the many times during his youth when he'd be running up to kick the football only to have it snatched away by the neighbor girl. After flying through the air and crashing on his back, he would contemplate the futility of kicking footballs and trusting girls. There's no question that these experiences were a deciding factor in his decision to boot evil instead of footballs, as well as his reluctance to trust any girl holding a football.

Attack of the Sinister Snowmen of Pluto!

2008-12-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL had the day off today, so figured he would relax by the fire and roast some chestnuts or something. Unfortunately, he got a call this morning from Santa asking if the Captain could fill in again this year. Well, you just don't say no to The Claus, so Captain ILL canceled his Christmas plans and agreed to fill in. Later he made a trip to Costco to drown his sorrows in a pumpkin pie only to discover that the pie machine had broken down or something and there was no pie to be had. Finally, when he pulled back into his driveway, he was assaulted by the Sinister Snowmen of Pluto who were apparently quite upset that their world had been downgraded from full planet status two years ago (it's a long journey to Earth from Pluto). Fortunately, the Captain made short work of them with his laser beams leaving large puddles of water in his driveway that will no doubt turn into a sheet of ice by morning. On the bright side, the Fedex guy dropped off Santa's suit this evening and it's so warm and comfy that Captain ILL has decided to wear it until Christmas.

Calvin's Commentaries (ILL of the day)

2008-12-16T07:46:00.001-08:00

Captain ILL is a big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. In spite of the fact that Calvin has a sizable evil streak, and is thus deserving of a good booting, he is very clever and imaginative, and would probably make a very good mad scientist. So imagine the Captain's surprise when he discovered that Calvin had grown up to become a theologian instead of a supervillian. He's written a series of commentaries on various books of the Bible that are completely devoid of cartoons and transmogrifiers. It's always a travesty when someone becomes an adult, but it somehow compounds the horror if they become a theologian. In remembrance of the young Calvin, here's a seasonally appropriate strip featuring a snowman and the inimitable Susie Derkins:

Baby Blues (ILL of the day)

2008-12-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL has never had any children of his own, but, being a superhero and the subject of public adulation, he has had several babies left at his doorstep. While the ILL cave is not really set up for caring for infants (what with all the confiscated death rays and doomsday devices laying around), the Captain is a very caring and nurturing fellow, and he manages to make do with what he has. For example, the hazardous waste disposal system normally used to handle the anti-matter reactor in the ILLmobile can just as easily dispose of soiled diapers. Back in the 70's Captain ILL acquired a surplus cone of silence at a CONTROL rummage sale which comes in pretty darned handy when the little rapscallions throw a temper tantrum. But the handiest gadget of all when dealing with toddlers, is an aging ray confiscated from Professor Pain that can instantly transform a baby into an adult ready to become a contributing member of society. This almost seems like cheating, but it does leave a lot of extra time for booting evil.

Nuclear War Survival Skills (ILL of the day)

2008-12-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL has a few stories to tell about nucular (we still have 40 days before we can go back to "nuclear") weapons. His old buddy Miracleman lost his memory after flying too close to an exploding nucular bomb. In fact, based on purely anecdotal evidence, it seems like there are hardly any benefits at all to being close to a nucular explosion. Even super-robots and intelligent super-computers have to watch out for the accompanying electromagnetic pulse. Occasionally you have reports of someone like The Hulk gaining superpowers due to standing too close to exploding nuculars, but is turning into a giant green monster whenever you get angry really all that great of a superpower? Is it even worth all the clothing that gets shredded whenever the change comes on? Captain ILL says, just say no to nucular bombs! Even if all your friends have one, that's no excuse!

How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man (ILL of the day)

2008-12-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL isn't familiar with the work of Zsa Zsa Gabor, but based on the title of this book, she must be a bounty hunter of some sort. Now the Captain would never stoop to hunting for miscreants for money; he works strictly pro bono. However, bounty hunters do sometimes serve a purpose since superheroes are almost universally overworked and don't have the time to hunt down every penny ante crook who's flown the coop. The efforts of those rare individuals with superpowers are best reserved for the likes of Professor Pain, Doctor Doom, or Dick Cheney. However, Captain ILL simply cannot condone extreme acts of vigilantism such as Ms. Gabor seems to be endorsing based on the final part of her title: "How to Get Rid of a Man". Murder is never justified, even when a villian is gauche enough to get their blood all over your boots.

George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior In Company and Coversation (ILL of the day)

2008-12-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL can be a bit old fashioned at times. This can lead to unfortunate incidents where he steps aside to let a lady go first, while the lady steps aside and insists that he go first. Now the Captain is pretty stubborn, but ladies can be stubborn too, and the two of them might still be standing in that hallway if Captain ILL hadn't realized that it would be better if he just turned around and went back to his desk; he'd forgotten what he was going down the hallway for anyway. To avoid these sorts of disasters, the Captain recommends all Americans adhere to the rules in this book laid down two centuries ago by the father of our country. In any case, rules like: "Rince not your Mouth in the Presence of Others" and "In Company of your Betters be not longer at eating than they are lay not your Arm but only your hand upon the table". If we can all agree upon this, perhaps Captain ILL can spend less time standing in the halls and more time booting evil.

Icy Clutches (ILL of the day)

2008-12-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

Of course Captain ILL feels that all villains are despicable scoundrels barely worthy to feel the bottom of his boot as he stomps on them. However, villains with a cold theme are particularly worthy of his contempt. It may not be readily apparent, but the Captain's costume is not insulated, and while his superpowers may protect him from the more deleterious effects of cold like frostbite, he is still very susceptible to goose pimples, and chilly temperatures are quite uncomfortable for him. The last time he battled Doctor Icecube, Captain ILL was frozen inside a solid block of ice for several hours before his eyelids thawed enough for him to use his laser beams to escape. The Captain didn't enjoy being frozen inside a giant ice cube, and he doesn't recommend anyone else try being frozen inside a giant ice cube either. In fact, Captain ILL recommends avoiding ice altogether unless it's floating safely in a cool, refreshing glass of diet Coke.

Cooking for Company (ILL of the day)

2008-12-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

When Captain ILL saw this book, he figured it would be the perfect opportunity to get some extra tips on preparing macaroni and cheese for when he has sophisticated guests for dinner. Unfortunately, after a quick skim of the index, he couldn't find any entries for macaroni. The closest they had was "Macadamia nuts - Coconut Macadamia Cake" on page 176. After a thorough perusal of this recipe, the Captain concluded that it would likely be very tasty, but would not make an adequate substitute for macaroni and cheese. Just to cover all the bases, Captain ILL also tried to look up "Weenies" in the index hoping to find the sliced weenies that Bowlingwidow is so fond of. Unfortunately, this book dropped the ball again, with the closest entry being "Whipped cream, wonderful" on page 187. While adding brandy and vanilla to whipped cream does indeed sound wonderful, it's no substitute for sliced weenies, so the Captain cannot recommend this book for elegant entertaining.

The Olivia Newton-John Companion (ILL of the day)

2008-12-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Seeing this book takes Captain ILL back to a simpler age, an age of headbands, legwarmers, and Olivia Newton-John's smash hit "Physical" which caused the adolescent Captain and many other young men to develop a mad crush on the headbanded singer. There seems to be something about an attractive woman in a leotard bouncing around and singing about "getting physical" that does things to adolescent boys' libidos. These days, Captain ILL works in a field where there are lots of women dressed in leotards bouncing all over the place ... that would be superheroing, not his part-time work in the library; librarians do not bounce.

Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality (ILL of the day)

2008-12-03T08:04:00.003-08:00

Captain ILL was first introduced to Anthony de Mello by Uncle ILL who gave him an extra copy of one of his books. While Christian spirituality isn't really the Captain's thing, as someone who isn't usually aware of the state of his own shoelaces, Captain ILL could certainly use a lesson or two in awareness so here is a short story from the foreward:

A man found an eagle's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.

All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe, "Who's that?" he asked.

"That's the eagle, the king of the birds," said his neighbor. "He belongs to the sky" We belong to the earth-we're chickens." So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that's what he thought he was.

.

The Best American Recipes 2005-2006 (ILL of the day)

2008-12-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

Despite his chosen headgear, Captain ILL is not a natural in the kitchen. He does like looking at food though, and can follow a recipe, so he can't resist flipping through recipe books when they cross the ILL desk. The Captain has expressed his derision for cookbooks without pictures many times in the past, so there's no reason to bring up that topic again except that this cookbook doesn't have any pictures! Get with the program! If this book is indeed full of America's best recipes, lets have some pictures to prove it! Recently Captain ILL did his Christmas baking and promptly took pictures of all the cookies. How else could he prove that he had baked them? Certainly not by their presence on Christmas since he will have succumbed to temptation and consumed them all by then. He's already eaten enough of the Crisco sugar cookies to qualify for Cookie Monster's job if the great "C" ever retires. In any case, the cover of this book is certainly enticing, and Captain ILL loves his macaroni and cheese ...

Riquette's International Beauty Secrets: The Amazing World of Kitchen Cosmetics (ILL of the day)

2008-12-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL hasn't paid much attention to his personal appearance over the years. This is no doubt a result of wearing a cooking pot on his head at all times. Similarly, he's never had a pedicure because he refuses to remove his boots as he needs to remain ever vigilant in case some miscreant needs booting. Even so, he likes the idea of being able to "use common food items from the pantry to make pure, fresh and inexpensive beauty products". Here's a recipe that the Captain can't wait to try if he ever takes his boots off:

After the Ball Footbath

After a night of dancing, tell your feet "Merci Beaucoup!"

1/4 Cup Epsom Salt
1/2 Cup Baking Soda
Handful of Fragrant Flowers

Add ingredients to a tub of warm water and soak as desired.

Crime and Passion (ILL of the day)

2008-11-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL is very passionate about crime. Fighting crime, that is. He feels that criminals should be booted, or at the very least, be locked up for extended periods of time, where they can be booted at leisure. The Captain is often asked how he became so passionate about crimefighting, and whether he has always been that way. He has not. When Captain ILL was a mere child he was caught shoplifting a squirt gun from Fred Meyer. It was this tragic, humiliating experience that put him on the straight and narrow path of justice that he still walks today. This origin story may lack the melodrama of watching your parents get killed by a mugger (like Batman), or the terror of getting bitten by a radioactive spider (like Spiderman), but when it comes right down to it, the reason why you fight evil doesn't matter nearly as much as how hard your boots are.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T08:46:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL has been called away to fight off an army of laser-shooting cybernetic turkeys, but he wanted to wish everyone out there on the internets a very happy Thanksgiving.

Losing Your Shirt (ILL of the day)

2008-11-26T07:16:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL is no stranger to losing his shirt. Back in the early days of his superhero career, before he could afford a uniform made of unstable molecules, he used to lose his whole costume all the time. You have no idea how hard it is on clothing when you run into a burning building to save a crying baby, or Dick Cheney blasts you with both barrels. It got to be so embarrassing that The Captain finally had to charge all his credit cards to the max in order to purchase a pair of unstable molecule underwear so at least some mystery would be preserved when the rest of his costume disintegrated. Of course it meant doing laundry every night, because Captain ILL could only afford one pair. So the next time a superhero comes running out of a burning building cradling your baby in his arms with his costume in flames, be sure and give him a big tip.

Shelly Is Sad (ILL of the day)

2008-11-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, Shelly is sad. Captain ILL is sure that all his reader's are sad after learning about Louie, the blind collie from yesterday's ILL of the day. Of course it's always sad when a dog goes blind, but poor Louie can still lead a happy and fulfilling life even if he can't afford Lasik. According to Wikipedia, dogs have 44 times the number of smell-sensitive cells as humans as well as a much greater sense of hearing. So while Louie may not get as much enjoyment out of his favorite TV shows anymore, he'll still have a sense of smell and hearing far superior to even Captain ILL's superhuman senses, and that's nothing to sniff at!

Kristy and the Snobs (ILL of the day)

2008-11-24T09:18:00.001-08:00

Captain ILL is well acquainted with the playground shenanigans of boys. Before he was abducted by aliens and given superpowers, Captain ILL was the victim of many a bully's fist on the playground. He had the unfortunate habit of always getting in fights with bigger boys, and it was only much later that he deduced a connection between a boy's size and his bully index. The Captain was informed only yesterday, that ten year old girls can be just as cruel as ten year old boys, and the ILL of the day today confirms this. From the back cover: "Kristy and her family live in a new neighborhood. The kids there aren't very friendly. In fact, they're ... well, snobs. They criticize Kristy's clothes. They make fun of the Baby-sitters Club. And worst of all, they laugh at Louie, Kristy's pet collie, who's going blind. Nobody does that and gets away with it!" Captain ILL sympathizes with Kristy. When he was a young Captain he once shot a boy in the arm with a BB gun after that boy kicked Sadie, the Captain's aged mutt. Since then, Captain ILL has learned that BB guns are not the answer (especially after the Sheriff came and confiscated it). Besides, in the Captain's experience, bullies learn better from a good booting.

Money: An Owner's Manual (ILL of the day)

2008-11-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

Books about money continue to flood the interlibrary loan desk, so Captain ILL assumes that the economic crisis has not been straightened out yet. While the Captain keeps all his money in a vibranium chest buried in his backyard (don't bother digging for it, he covered the lawn with "x"es to throw off criminals), he's still a bit concerned due to all the extra work it creates for superheroes. Unfortunately, a life of crime can seem like an attractive option for someone who's just lost their home, and there's nothing Captain ILL hates more than bringing Robin Hooders to justice. Still, justice is justice, and fortunately our great country has unending space in it's prisons. Right?

Prevention's Healing with Vitamins (ILL of the day)

2008-11-19T09:05:00.001-08:00

Healing is a big issue for superheroes, though you wouldn't know it from reading comic books. Some folks like Wolverine have healing factors that enable them to heal dreadful wounds almost instantaneously. Captain ILL, though highly resistant to damage, doesn't have a healing factor so he has to rely on things like vitamins or mad scientists to heal him when the occasional adamantine bullet or left hook from the Hulk injures him. It turns out that special instruments are needed to perform surgery on someone with bullet-proof skin and if your sutures are made out of anything weaker than titanium wire, you can forget about jumping right back into action. So take your vitamins kids, and you can grow up to be big and strong like Captain ILL, but you'll still need to be captured and genetically altered by aliens if you want to have superpowers.

Theory and Practice of Lime Manufacture (ILL of the day)

2008-11-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

The ILL of the day today is dedicated to Bowlingjoe and Bowlingwidow who just got back from the land of salt and limes. Captain ILL wasn't even aware that you could manufacture limes, but flipping through this book he sees that it seems to involve kilns and various complicated bits of machinery. All these years the Captain thought limes were grown on a lime bush-but it doesn't really matter where they come from, the most important thing to remember about limes is that you need about a half dozen of them to make a yucka.

Colonies In Space (ILL of the day)

2008-11-17T08:44:00.001-08:00

There is a long tradition in the superheroing world to have headquarters or secret bases on space stations. From Magneto's Asteroid M to the Justice League's Watchtower, there's something about outer space that draws superheroes and supervillains alike. Perhaps it's the ability to perform dreadful experiments away from the watchful eye of governments, or the advantageous position it gives for keeping a watchful eye on miscreants, or even just for the fantastic view. Captain ILL doesn't have the financial backing to have an orbital secret lair, but it's probably just as well since he has a tendency to get motion sick in freefall.

Dealing With People You Can't Stand (ILL of the day)

2008-11-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

Being a superhero means you often find yourself dealing with despicable scoundrels like Doctor Doom or Dick Cheney. Fortunately "dealing" with supervillains means booting and pummeling them into submission. Superheroes have no need to "identify the 10 most unwanted behaviors and how to deal with each of them" or learn "how difficult people think, what they fear, and why they act the way they do". Villains fear a good booting! They do what they do because they are villains! Overanalyzing their motivations can lead to sympathy, and sympathy can lead to hesitation, and hesitators lose! Don't think, boot!

The Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep (ILL of the day)

2008-11-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL has been taking yoga classes recently. He never realized that his body could bend itself into so many strange and interesting positions. He's no Plasticman or Mr. Fantastic, but after a couple of months he can finally do a halfway decent down dog. One of the strange and interesting things that the Captain learned about yoga is that in the city of Marysville, it's only practiced by women; he was surprised to arrive for his first day of class and find only women in the class. Of course he's used to being around women, working for the library and all, but he couldn't help remembering those TV commercials for women-only gyms and then wondering if he was in the wrong place. But he was welcomed by the instructors, and found a place in back for his mat where he hoped his inability to bend properly wouldn't be noticed. Eventually, he was able to bend more than usual, and he didn't break any bones, so he counted the experience a positive one. Captain ILL would definitely recommend yoga to anyone, especially if they like to bend.

Jumpin' Jim's Ukulele Christmas (ILL of the day)

2008-11-12T07:58:00.001-08:00

It was recently brought to Captain ILL's attention that, due to the vagaries of the calendar, the Christmas season will be starting a bit later than usual this year. This is completely unacceptable! There are plenty of reasons for extending the Christmas season instead of shortening it just because Thanksgiving happens to fall near the very end of the month. Surely the state of the economy demands we squeeze in as much shopping time as possible? What about the trees? If we're going to go out and chop down a Christmas tree, don't we owe it to that poor tree to keep it up as long as possible? And how about "Christmas nerds" like poor Captain ILL whose heart is warmed by all the Christmas decorations, Christmas music, and Christmas cookies? Trust me, we all want the Captain's heart to be warm, or he's liable to have more booting accidents than usual. So please support the Movement to Extend the Christmas Season by voting in the new poll!

Careers for Class Clowns (ILL of the day)

2008-11-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

There are many clown-types in the larger-than-life world that Captain ILL inhabits: The Joker, The Riddler, and W just to name a few. Invariably they end up choosing careers in villainy rather than heroing. Superheroing is serious business, and real superheroes understand that. When you're out there on the front lines booting evil every day, there are no practical jokes, only dangerous stunts liable to get innocent people hurt or killed. That must be why there's no chapter on superheroes in this book. The author understands what Captain ILL had to learn the hard way; clowns are evil!

Star the Snowy Kitten (ILL of the day)

2008-11-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL may be allergic to cats, but he still thinks that kittens are awfully cute. However, even if they weren't cute as heck, something like cat juggling would still make him very mad. How can someone do something like that, put it on the youtubes, and get away with it? The Captain wishes he knew how to follow the internets tubes back to where this despicable villain lives so he could give him a thorough booting!

Science and Math For Technology (ILL of the day)

2008-11-05T08:15:00.001-08:00

Captain ILL is beginning to suspect that there's some sort of math conspiracy devoted to driving him crazy. Everyone knows by now what an opponent of numbers and number-related disciplines the Captain is, but the requests for math books just keep coming. Why is everyone so interested in math? Don't they realize that nobody but mad scientists have any use for math once they get out of school? Numbers may not be technically evil, but they are certainly suspicious, and probably deserving of a good booting. The trouble is, Captain ILL hasn't figured out how to boot a number yet, so if anyone has any tips, please post them here.

Election day!

2008-11-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL has seen a lot folks out there telling everyone to get out and vote today. Some folks are happy to tell you who to vote for, while other folks just ask you to vote and trust that you'll make the right decision. The Captain feels that democracy, flaws and all, is the best system available in today's governmental market, so he won't tell you who you should vote for. He will say that he has certain information, gathered by a secret cabal of super-scientists (some mad, some not), that indicates a clear correlation between voting for McCain and developing malignant neoplasms of various sorts. Captain ILL doesn't know what a malignant neoplasm is, but it doesn't sound very nice, so please take that into account when you vote today.

Day of the Dead

2008-11-02T19:52:00.000-08:00

Captain ILL attended an annual Day of the Dead celebration Saturday evening in his secret identity. It started out as an enjoyable evening, with lots of skulls, food, and alcohol (which the Captain only pretended to imbibe, since he never drinks). Unfortunately the event quickly turned tragic when the drunken host attempted to jump over the bonfire, tripped, and set himself on fire. Captain ILL, not realizing that this was not part of the evenings entertainment, did not immediately rush to his aid and the poor fellow expired in an ironic Day of the Dead twist. Needless to say, the Captain felt pretty bad about this as the widow seemed a bit upset, so he phoned a mad scientist friend of his who has a cloning lab set up in his Winnebago. The mad scientist rushed over, took a quick DNA sample from the crisped corpse and flash grew a clone in the RV while everyone waited anxiously. After a quick brain transplant, the patient was good as new except for a slight lump on his head where the newly installed scalp-hinge was installed to make it easier to switch brains in the future in case something like this ever happened again. Meanwhile, Captain ILL phoned up a telepathic mutant friend of his who rushed over and wiped out everyone's memories of the disaster to preserve the Captain's secret identity. It was a very exciting evening, but Captain ILL can't help but think that there's a lesson of some sort to be learned from it ...

Streetstyle (ILL of the day)

2008-10-31T10:19:00.001-07:00

Just take a look at the picture to the right, and you'll easily see that Captain ILL is all about style. Note how the blue-black stomping boots contrast nicely with the red costume. Admire the shininess of the adamantine headgear, and isn't that a particularly nice font on the chest? No doubt everyone reading this will be as puzzled as the Captain by all horrible names the teenagers shout at him as he strolls down the street looking for injustices to justify. Words like "geek", "dork" and "dweeb" are not uncommon. Captain ILL understands that he may be so cool that some people may have difficulty recognizing his coolitude, but he won't pretend it didn't hurt when a young man called him a "spaz" right after he rescued him from a burning building. It wasn't the Captain's fault that the laser beam he fired at Professor Painiac missed and burned down the fellow's home.

Interior Design & Decoration (ILL of the day)

2008-10-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL has been thinking about redecorating the ILL cave for some time, and seeing this book has finally inspired him to get moving on the project. Captains aren't kings and don't really need throne rooms, but the cover picture looks so awesome the Captain needs to have a room like it somewhere in the cave. Perhaps it would make a good rumpus room. The ILL cave will definitely need a council room for important meetings with groups of superheroes, and the picture of the Trustees Council Chamber of the United Nations on page 579 looks like it would work as well for superheroes as it does for diplomats. The breakfast room of Sir John Soane on page 512 has lots of bookshelves in it, and the Captain likes books (more for decoration than for reading) so he'll want something like that in the cave. It'll be lots of work, but if he can get the Flash to pitch in, it should be done in ... well, a flash.

Naturally Healthy Hair (ILL of the day)

2008-10-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL isn't usually too concerned about his hair since he lost most of it in an aging accident ... he accidentally turned 30. However, hair is a big deal in America, especially for superheroes. For a superhero being bald is almost always a sure sign of villainy. It's inevitable that evil mad scientists will have a horrible accident in their lab at some point in their career that makes their hair fall out. Or maybe it's the madness that does it. Either way, they clearly deserve their hairless fates, but it hardly seems fair that jackasses like Superman have a full head of hair, complete with a disgusting little curl in the front when much more deserving superheroes have to do without. Anyway, to get back to the point, for those of you with plenty of active follicles, this book is full of tips for caring for your hair naturally, but if you must use the mayonnaise treatment this book recommends, please be sure to rinse thoroughly; Captain ILL learned that one the hard way.

How to Live Without Electricity - And Like It (ILL of the day)

2008-10-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

Electricity is a pretty useful thing (unless you're on the wrong end of Doctor Destroyer's shock blasters ... even if you're nearly invulnerable like Captain ILL, 3000 volts still stings) but, like nuclear energy, some folks don't like it much. There's something about dangerous unseen forces that seems to make people nervous. Unfortunately, the universe would not exist without dangerous unseen forces so the best we can do is learn to live with them, and try not to worry about quantum black holes colliding with the earth and sucking us all into oblivion, or even the dangerous unseen forces behind the collapse of the global economy (Captain ILL finally watched the news last night). Even so, once the economy finishes collapsing it might be useful to be able to "obtain, pump and store potable water" and this book conveniently explains how to do so.

The Coming Economic Earthquake (ILL of the day)

2008-10-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL is starting to get a bit concerned about all the doom and gloom money books he's seeing all the time these days. Is the economy in trouble? Should the Captain pull all his money out of turnip futures and put it back in his mattress? Why does it cost so much to fill the ILLmobile up with anti-matter? These are all important questions so perhaps Captain ILL should start watching the news once in awhile instead of relying on cosmic vibrations to inform him of important events.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Investing for Women (ILL of the day)

2008-10-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL prides himself on being a complete idiot, so he's a big fan of the "For Dummies" and "Complete Idiot's Guide" series. Aside from the crime reports, he doesn't usually pay too much attention to the news so he's a bit puzzled by the large numbers of books about money, investing, and economics that are coming through the ILL department these days. Perhaps he should check with Bowlingwidow, his economics adviser, to see if anything important is going on in the world...

Famous Joes

2008-10-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

Good Joes:
G.I. Joe
Chief Joseph
Joe Walsh
Joseph Merrick
Joey Ramone
Bowlingjoe
Joe Cool
Joe Satriani
Joseph of Arimathea
Joey Tribbiani

Bad Joes:
Josef Stalin
Joey Buttafuoco
Joe the Plumber

.

Superidiot

2008-10-22T08:03:00.001-07:00

Once more thanks to Bowlingjoe we have a glimpse into the personal life of Superman. Here we see him demonstrating the non-super nature of Kryptonian brains. Captain ILL is no Brainiac himself, but at least he knows how to draw a "5".

Build a Better Burger (ILL of the day)

2008-10-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

This heavily illustrated book is very difficult for Captain ILL, who is trying to eat healthy foods, to flip through. The Captain recently discovered something called a Boca Burger which seems to be a hamburger made out of sawdust rather than meat, and therefore containing far less calories. They are also cooked in a baggie in a microwave so lack the grilled deliciousness of the "Peppered Jamaican Jerk Burgers Normandy" or the "Spicy Sausage Burgers with Roasted Pepper Relish" contained in this book. Mmmmm! The Captain may have to go out to lunch today ...

Wrapped!

2008-10-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

One of the dangers of booting evil is that you never know when some villain is going to seek retaliation. Captain ILL arrived in the secondary (non-secret) ILL cave this morning to discover that while he was away Friday, some sinister miscreants had wrapped his workspace is some sort of transparent substance not unlike flexible glass. Fortunately he was able to crawl underneath the stuff to get inside, but he can't help but wonder what other plans the perpetrators might have for his beloved ILLicle.

P.S. Captain ILL is offering a reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons responsible for this travesty. It will probably be somewhere in the $1,000,000 range.

Bob's Busy World (ILL of the day)

2008-10-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, when Captain ILL was looking for a contractor to build his secret headquarters, he was referred to Bob the Builder by an associate. The Captain couldn't have been more pleased with Mr. Builder's work. He was very friendly and does excellent work, although, as the title of this book suggests, he is very busy, and if you're not a famous superhero, you may have difficulty scheduling a job. Even so, just tell him that Captain ILL sent you and he'll be certain to fit you into his schedule.

A Crime For Christmas (ILL of the day)

2008-10-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL has the utmost respect for amateur crimefighters like Nancy Drew and Frank and Joe Hardy. In fact, way back in the day, when the Captain was just an itty bitty superhero, he would voraciously devour every Hardy Boy book he could get his hands on. While Captain ILL has his own particular crimefighting style that involves a lot more booting than Frank and Joe ever used, he ocassionally still has to find a clue now and then before the booting can commence. So thanks to Nancy and the Boys for reminding a stubborn old superhero of his roots; in their honor, for the next week, the Captain will find two clues for every criminal he boots instead of the usual zero.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL finally has the evidence he needs to prove how evil math and numbers really are! This book, The Mathematics of Juggling, lays out the relationship between math and juggling. So what? Many of you may not remember several years back when a villain called The Juggler selected several sinister schemes with a juggling theme to inflict on innocent victims. Well Captain ILL never forgets! The Juggler is very evil. There is some sort of relationship between juggling and math. Therefore math is evil too. If this logic seems too tortuous, consider this: Captain ILL feels that logic is pretty palsy walsy with math anyway, so anything logical should be regarded with a high level of suspicion.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-14T10:21:00.001-07:00

God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts: Making Peace With Difficult People is, according to the back cover, "a practical, humorous, and informative book that integrates cutting-edge psychology, case studies, and healing principles". Now Captain ILL knows all about dealing with difficult people. When you've fought the likes of Magneto, Doctor Differential, and the Hulk, you can speak from a position of some expertise on the matter. Unfortunately, once again, there doesn't seem to be anything in this book about supervillains. For crying out loud, the Hulk alone rates a whole chapter in a book like this! Until the author can provide a bit of supervillian-related guidance, Captain ILL will continue to rely on his boots to do all his negotiating.

Doctor Differential!

2008-10-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

Finally! Captain ILL has again enlisted my aid on a mission of extreme importance. Although my participation was once more limited to driving the car, the Captain assures me that without my assistance, success would have been terribly inconvenient. I received a call at 3:14 this morning from everyone's favorite Captain; the ILLmobile was in the shop again, and he needed someone to drive him to the scene of the crime. He seemed a bit impatient on the phone, but I gathered that Doctor Differential and his gang of irrational numbers were on the loose and it was only a matter of time before they committed yet another number-related crime. I jumped in the Honda and rushed over to the ILL cave. In my haste, I'm afraid I exceeded the speed limit by around 2.72 mph, but luckily the Captain was not present to witness this minor offense. After picking him up, Captain ILL filled me in on the details of the despicable Doctor's dastardly deed. Apparently Doctor Differential had been hired by the GOP (whom Captain ILL insists on calling the Grand Old Poopyheads) to break into the offices of a polling company with the intent to influence the upcoming election by messing with the polling data. The Republicans were planning to steal the election! I dropped him off outside the office building where the polling company was located and waited in the car. I was naturally curious about all the shouts, crashes and explosions coming from inside the building, but not curious enough to venture inside. After about 1.41 hours, a battered but victorious Captain ILL emerged dragging the nefarious but unconcious rogues behind him. The police arrived shortly thereafter, followed closely by the press. Captain ILL gave a short interview where he re-interated his opinion on the evils of numbers while Doctor Differential shouted out polynomials and swore vengeance on "the moron in the red longjohns who couldn't solve even a linear ordinary differential equation without removing his boots to count on his toes". The Captain left his boots on and delivered a swift kick to the Doctor's posterior as he was being forced into a police car.

In case anyone missed it, Captain ILL insisted that the moral of this story be posted in bold:

"Don't trust numbers! Most of them are irrational and the rest are imaginary!"

.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-10T07:07:00.001-07:00

When Captain ILL saw this book, Giant Clams, he had a flashback to the great clam invasion of 1698. No doubt most readers out there are familiar with Arlo Guthrie's masterpiece: The Story of Reuben Clamzo and His Strange Daughter In the Key of A, but many of you may not be aware that it is based on a true story. Captain ILL had a chance to participate in the giant clam attack due to a mishap with a time machine. The Captain may not know one end of a clampoon from another, but he knows how to boot evil, and you don't find creatures much eviler than giant clams! Unfortunately, there are still a few of these monsters out there, so if you live near the coast, you may want to join the Clamshell Alliance, and definitely keep a clampoon under your bed in case you hear the pitter patter of little giant clam feet in the middle of the night ...

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-09T08:12:00.001-07:00

Captain ILL, like all first-rate superheroes, has always had an eye for fashion. The Wonderful World of Ladies' Fashion only covers the years 1850-1920 which was unfortunately long before spandex was invented in 1959. Observe the garments on the front cover of this book. Can you imagine Supergirl or Wonder Woman flying or leaping around in clothing like that? Captain ILL isn't sure what superheroes wore in the olden days, but he imagines that they looked pretty goofy. Not at all like superheroes in these modern days who nearly always look incredibly sexy and magnificent. Just check out the portrait of the Captain to the right to see all the evidence you need.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL is always interested in books like The Taoist Secrets of Long Life and Good Health. The Captain isn't sure what that whole "Tao" thingie is, but he's pretty sure that it has something to do with kung fu. Good health and fitness, however, are important for everyone, especially superheroes. Just imagine chasing some scumbag thugs into a dead-end alley, only to find yourself out of breath when you finally corner them. There's nothing more embarrassing for a superhero than being beat up by a bunch of superpowerless thugs, except possibly a paunch in your skintight costume. So keep everyone keep fit! You never know when you might find yourself chasing a bunch of thugs down an alley, but if you just can't find the time to get to the gym, better invest in a slightly baggy costume like Captain ILL's.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-07T07:56:00.001-07:00

Unless you're Mr. Furious, letting your anger get out of control is probably something that should be avoided. That's where this book, Getting Anger Under Control, comes in handy. Like the ILL of the day yesterday, God plays a large part in this book's method. Taking a random sample, Captain ILL counted 10 uses of the world "God" or "Christ" on page 208. No doubt this works fine for folks who have the patience for churching, praying, and tithing, but the Captain is all about shortcuts, so he went to visit his old pal Professor X, and had him use his powers of telepathy to go in and re-wire all the "anger parts" of Captain ILL's brain. Now whenever the Captain finds himself in an angry situation, he gets a sudden craving for turnips instead. This can create problems too (have you ever tried finding a turnip in the middle of a superbrawl?), but is vastly preferable to losing your cool during tense negotiations with someone who has a giant laser pointed at the Earth.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

Riches Within Your Reach seems to be a book about how to use the power of God to get rich. Books like this make Captain ILL sad, and not just because the Captain is not rich himself. There are lots and lots of supervillains out there who started their careers with a simple goal like "I want to be the richest man in the world". Unfortunately, it's all too easy for a simple goal like that to lead someone down the path of villainy and despictitude! All superheroes know that money is a "gateway" vice that can never be satiated; from money comes power, from power comes superpower, and from there it's only a few short steps to torturing puppies and building doomsday devices. Captain ILL makes more than enough money for his simple needs by endorsing quality products and selling advertising space on his costume and ILLmobile ... he's never tempted by bribes or by offers to become an exclusive superhero for one of those big corporations like Pepsi or the Church of Scientology (or he wouldn't be tempted if he were actually offered one). Please follow the Captain's example and know when enough is enough.

Poll's closed

2008-10-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

The votes are in, and with the exception of a single groovy vote, none of the other voters seem to have very strong feelings about Dots. However, we now have extensive Google research that proves that Dots do, in fact, suck, though possibly not as badly as Jujyfruits. If anyone can explain the mystery of the strange assortment of Jujyfruit shapes, please don't keep us in suspense.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

How To Prove It makes this claim on the back cover: "Many students have trouble the first time they take a mathematics course in which proofs play a significant role." Speaking from personal experience, Captain ILL finds this to be true, though he does not lay the blame on the subject of proofs. Long ago, when the Captain was in the 10th grade, he had geometry class with Mr. Mayberry. This nincompoop liked to say things like "then you say to yourself 'self' " and various other entertainingly moronic inanities. Mr. Mayberry was the worst teacher Captain ILL ever had, and this includes various math TAs who could not speak English. His idea of teaching involved standing before the class for five minutes or so and breezing through a few geometrical ideas, and pointing out that the textbook went into much greater depth. The rest of the class consisted of a free-for-all in which one girl spent her time throwing spitballs at the Captain. Shame on you Mr. Mayberry! Captain ILL is still pretty fuzzy about that whole Pythagorian Theorem thingie, and what the heck is a hypotenuse anyway?

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-02T12:31:00.001-07:00

Captain ILL didn't read Basic Refrigeration: Principles, Practice, Operation; he didn't even skim it. He didn't have to, because the Captain is a master of refrigeration. He's not one of those dolts who opens the refrigerator door and just stands there for several minutes letting everything inside warm up. Captain ILL always knows exactly where everything is in his own refrigerator, and even when he's operating someone else's refrigerator, he'll open it, quickly scan the contents, and close the door while he makes his selection. If the Captain had known that you could make a career out of refrigeration, he might never have got into the whole Booting of Evil thing; the sorts of things you find in a refrigerator are usually much yummier than the sorts of things you find in the secret hideouts of evil masterminds.

Breaking news!

2008-10-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Bowlingjoe (a superhero in his own right with the rare ability to bowl a 300 game), we have this snapshot of Superman giving us a rare public glimpse of what an arrogant jerk he really is. It's better not to ask how Bowlingjoe got this picture, and the way Superman's words appear in text right next to him is certainly strange, but there can be no doubt that this is the real deal.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-10-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that you're supposed to be nice to spiders, but Captain ILL has always had a hard time with that because they're so darned icky. It doesn't help that they're sometimes hairy and poisonous as well. The Captain has always gotten along pretty well with Spiderman, but that's probably because, even in costume, Spidey doesn't look anything like a spider. Actually, he looks more like one of those red, white, and blue popsicles, which aren't icky at all, but very yummy. Spiders is a pretty thin book, but it includes things like a spider menu, a spider face mask, and a giant pull-out poster full of giant icky spiders. If you like spiders, you'll want to check this book out, but if you're like Captain ILL and think spiders are icky, you might want to have a popsicle instead.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL often cooperates closely with the Coast Guard when some aquatic supervillain needs to feel the boot of justice. In fact, a certain Lt. Commander Stocklin who has assisted the Captain from time to time has recently been notified of his impending promotion to full Commander. Congratulations! If memory serves, soon-to-be-commander Stocklin carries a book like the Chemical Data Guide for Bulk Shipment by Water in his car. Captain ILL remembers long ago while on a dangerous mission in the mountains, then lieutenant Stocklin spotted a train tanker car full of possibly hazardous material and was able to look it up in this handy book he kept in his glove compartment. This obviously impressed the Captain since you never know when you might need to know the fire & explosion hazard data for valeraldehyde.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-29T07:41:00.001-07:00

Often, before the actual booting of Evil can commence, a bit of detective work is required to actually find the dacoits responsible for the evildoing. As related in a previous post, Captain ILL prefers a more physical approach to justice-seeking so it's a good thing there are plenty of detectives out there to assist the Captain when he needs some brainwork done. For those few situations where Captain ILL is unable to call in outside help, The Master Detective Handbook will no doubt provide invaluable advice. However, the Captain will avoid reading it until the last minute because, a) it's not available as an audio book, and b) what are the chances that Captain ILL will ever be required to use his brain anyway?

A new poll!

2008-09-26T10:07:00.001-07:00

Halloween must be nearly here since the stores are already packed with candy, so it's time for a new candy-related poll. It's come to Captain ILL's attention that not everyone out there likes Dots, the gumdrop-like candy made by the Tootsie Roll people. Such an important issue demands a poll so the facts can be laid bare, so weigh in people!

P.S. New information has just been given to Captain ILL that each Dot contains 11.66666666666666666666666666666666666666667 calories.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-26T09:30:00.001-07:00

The Small Woman is a biography of a woman who was, apparently, small. More interestingly, the title reminds Captain ILL of the time he accidentally sat on one of his colleagues, The Wasp. She was understandably upset, and the Captain was horrified, but really, if you're only a half inch tall you shouldn't be using full sized furniture. One of her wings was slightly bent, so for several weeks after "the incident" she tended to veer slightly to the left when flying. This wouldn't have been a great handicap except that, while flying through the kitchen of the Avenger's Mansion, Captain ILL accidentally trapped her inside the refrigerator. The Captain hasn't received any invitations back there since.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL knows all about getting into pots; he gets into a pot every day when he dons his adamantine headgear and shuffles out to fight crime. Getting Into Pots: A Basic Pottery Manual refers to something a bit different-the making of pots out of clay. Captain ILL knows at least one potter who occasionally reads this blog (but has yet to leave a comment), so he will refrain from going on at length on a topic he knows nothing about. There is one thing he can say with a fair degree of confidence though: a clay pot would be a poor substitute for the Captain's trusty metal headgear. If he had been wearing a clay pot on his head that day when Freddy Furious threw a truck at him, the truck would have crushed the clay pot (and the Captain's head) instead of bouncing off his adamantine pot and crushing his elbow instead.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Healing Secrets of the Native Americans purports to enable the reader to "discover all-natural treatments for more than 40 ailments from acne to wrinkles". Captain ILL used to be skeptical of this sort of thing until he broke his elbow a few years back when a truck fell on it. Now hospitals are notoriously incapable of treating superheroes, so when the Captain's old buddy Apache Chief, of the Super Friends suggested a Native American healer, Captain ILL was in no position to refuse. This fellow, who went by the name Don Juan, did a bang up job, though the Captain isn't sure exactly what sort of treatment he used because the first thing he did when he arrived was to feed Captain ILL several peyote buttons. Everything was kind of a blur after that ... a fantastic, multi-hued, blur of shapes, sounds, and smells. Afterward the elbow was much better and, other than an occasional tendency to smell colors, Captain ILL suffered no adverse side effects and, even better, didn't have to fill out any insurance forms.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL is always looking for new tips and tricks in his pursuit of justice, so when he saw Forbidden Advice: 1,703 Rarely Divulged Secrets To Save Time, Money, and Trouble he had to have quick skim. Unfortunately, there is no section on "crimefighting" or "justice" in the index, though there are entries for "earwax" and "gluteus maximus". In fact, most of the information in this book could be filed under "common sense", though the Captain is well aware of how rare "common sense" actually is. Captain ILL can't recommend this book for crimefighters but if you would like to know how to relieve anxiety with sunflower seeds, you may want to check it out.

Interlibrary Loan of the Friday

2008-09-22T08:42:00.001-07:00

Baby Matters: What your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your Baby was written by a chiropractor. Captain ILL isn't sure that this makes any sense, but it is what it is; facts don't have to make sense! The Captain took some time off this past weekend from booting Evil to babysit his niece and nephew while their parents attended some beer festival. Neither of these two little folks is really a baby anymore, though you wouldn't know it from his two-year-old nephew's bathroom habits. He's supposed to be at the stage where he goes into the bathroom by himself now, but apparently he made an exception for Captain ILL. The little guy went through a half dozen pull-ups and three pairs of pants in the 24 hours he spent at the Captain's secret headquarters. Fifteen minutes before his mother arrived to pick him up, he left an extra-special package in his pull-up that the Captain was obliged to clean up. Luckily Captain ILL has special facilities for disposing of hazardous materials that he usually uses for doomsday devices and nuclear waste, but also serves for poopy pull-ups.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-18T09:46:00.001-07:00

If you're anything like Captain ILL, you feel that math can be pretty darned useful, even necessary, though often completely incomprehensible to those of us who aren't eggheads. Captain ILL remembers sitting in his differential equations class thinking "what the heck is this bozo talking about and what is Captain ILL doing in a differential equations class anyway?" Dinah Zike's Big Book of Math isn't a really big book, but it does have lots of pictures, charts, and diagrams, which is a big plus in Captain ILL's book. Compare this:

With this:

And decide for yourself which book you would like to learn math from.

.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

The Chicken Health Handbook is "a must-have reference for the small flock owner". Just look at that chicken on the cover! Doesn't she look healthy? Captain ILL has had the misfortune of working with Chickenman, a third-rate superhero with delusions of grandeur. The delusions of grandeur didn't offend the Captain's sensibilities; most superheroes suffer from some sort of delusion. It was the chicken feathers and poor hygiene that Captain ILL objected to. How does a six foot chicken man shed so many feathers? Feathers in the food, feathers all over the costumes, feathers in the antimatter intake of the ILLmobile ... it was all just too much. Eventually, Captain ILL convinced Chickenman to retire. Last the Captain heard he had married the Chicken Lady and they were both very involved in the free range chicken movement.

Finetunes at last

2008-09-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL has finally finished his Finetune assignment by copying a bunch of the files in his mp3 folder into a Finetune playlist. Unfortunately, Finetune only allows 3 songs per artists, and it was pretty difficult choosing just 3 for some bands so he ended up with only 486 songs instead of several thousand. Undoubtedly there are many splendid songs that the Captain has overlooked, but the Finetune interface doesn't seem very friendly for adding lots of titles. If anyone has any tips, please pass them on.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-16T07:33:00.001-07:00

TV Sets: Fantasy Blueprints of Classic TV Homes is an awesome book! Ever wonder how the upstairs bedrooms were arranged in the homes of the Brady Bunch or the Partridge Family? Do you want to know the exact placement of Gomez's steer-horn chair in the Addams Family's living room? Are you curious to see if the Flintstone's have a bathroom inside their home? All these questions and more are answered in this fascinating book. Captain ILL is a bit stumped by one thing though. There are two sets of plans for the Cleaver's home; apparently they moved at some point from 513 Grant Avenue to 211 Pine Street. Obviously the Captain needs to accelerate his viewing of his Leave It To Beaver DVD collection so he can keep up with these important facts.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

The Mandala of Sherlock Holmes details the adventures of the Great Detective in India and Tibet following his supposed death at Reichenbach Falls. Now Sherlock Holmes was one of the very first superheroes; he couldn't leap tall buildings, but he could bend an iron bar and his deductive abilities are without equal even today. Captain ILL has a great deal of respect for the Great Detective, even though their crimefighting styles are very different. The Captain prefers not to exercise his brain too much ... it gives him headaches. He finds it much easier to get out there and start booting. Very rarely has he booted an innocent person, but one of the advantages of boots over laser beams is that boots are nonlethal, and the booted persons in question are usually very understanding, if a bit bruised. So even though Captain ILL does not advocate the use of brains in the pursuit of justice, he can see how it sometimes might come in handy.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

Vampire: A Sensual Romance Novella is not the only romantic vampire book Captain ILL has seen come across the ILL desk. The Captain has fought several vampires in his superheroing career, and he has trouble understanding what the attraction is. Vampires are essentially walking corpses who feed on human blood, and booting one can only be described as "icky". Perhaps the whole "bad boy" image accounts for some of the fascination, but, as much as Captain ILL hates to admit it, any woman interested in a bad boy would be better served by an evil genius than a walking corpse. There don't seem to be any romance novels dealing with mad scientists though; probably the maniacal cackling is a turn-off. There is a huge ILL market for romance novels about doctors though, especially if they happen to be from Texas. If some enterprising romance author out there invented a character who was a gifted surgeon during the week, a cowboy on the weekends, but who is also secretly a vampire, they'd have a certain best-seller.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL is not too fond of thinking. Too many of the world's problems can be traced to too much thought, especially the evil genius sort. The Captain always says that a well placed boot can solve a problem much more quickly and efficiently than hours and hours of messy, repetitive thinking. Smart Thinking "is a practical, step-by-step guide to improving skills in analysis and critical thinking, and the effective communication of arguments and explanations." What a mouthful! Captain ILL bets that it took a lot of thought to come up with all those big words. Don't read this book! Don't listen to all those rampaging thoughts in your head telling you to check out this book so you can finally be as smart as all your friends. Think less, feel more, and life will reward you.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL has fought all sorts of terrible creatures in his career: bug-eyed monsters from mars, mad scientists, Dick Cheney; but none have brought a chill to his heart like the time he was surrounded by a dozen ninja librarians. All masters of shush-fu, with razor sharp shuriken hidden in their hair buns, the Captain was ambushed late one evening while searching for a book about proper boot maintenance. Those ninja librarians were tough customers, and beat Captain ILL to within an inch of his life before depositing him outside the front door. The Captain learned a valuable lesson that night: when the lights flash in the library, it means it's closing time and you'd better head for the door before the ninja librarians come out to teach you their lesson in promptness.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

Mythbusters: The Explosive Truth Behind 30 of the Most Perplexing Urban Legends of All Time is a pretty self descriptive title. One of the legends these gentlemen bust bears further examination though, since it was the central element in a plot by Professor Perfidy to hold the entire borough of Manhattan for ransom. Professor Perfidy isn't actually a professor of anything, and it turns out that his science is a bit shaky. So when he cooked up the idea to build a "Penny Dropping Doomsday Device" on the top of the Empire State Building capable of launching millions of pennies across Manhattan, he didn't bother to conduct any experiments first, or even do any math. So there he was up there on the observation deck with a dozen henchmen and and the PDDD filled with about $60,000 worth of pennies, demanding equal rights for insects and the right to yell "fire!" in a crowded movie theater. Captain ILL was all ready to go up there and do some evil booting when a quick thinking bystander pointed out that a penny dropped from the top the the Empire State Building not only wouldn't kill anyone, but it might, in fact, give them a bit of good luck. When this was pointed out to Professor Perfidy, he surrendered without a fuss; no doubt he was much too embarassed to put up a struggle at that point.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

The Origins of Christmas is a book that answers important questions like: "When was Christmas first celebrated?" and "How did December 25th become its date?". There doesn't seem to be much about Santa Claus in this book, which is very disappointing to Captain ILL as he is a big fan of Mr. Claus. Knowing this, you can imagine how honored he was to get a call a number of years back in late December from a very ill Santa. He had come down with a particularly debilitating virus, and could barely summon the strength to beg Captain ILL to take over his duties on Christmas Eve. Of course the Captain already had plans but you don't say no to Santa, so he packed a bag and caught the next reindeer to the North Pole. What a place! Snow, toys, elves, reindeer - everything you would expect and more. There was barely time to learn how to pilot the sleigh before taking off for the south. Captain ILL doesn't remember much about that night, between the breakneck speed of the trip, and the bottle of whiskey he found under the seat. Luckily the reindeer knew the route, and most of the presents ended up where they belonged. However, if you remember a Christmas several years ago when you got a bag of turnips instead of a Barbie Doll, don't blame Santa Claus; Captain ILL is very sorry.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

Half Human Half Animal is a book about werewolves and similar creatures. Captain ILL has had occasion to work with werewolves, sharkmen, ratmen, and even stranger creatures. Generally these folks have had pretty hard lives due to their strange appearance and, sometimes, craving for human blood. Because of this they often tragically turn to a life of evil and villainy. Of course an accident of birth is no excuse for evil, and the Captain has often had to plant his boot on some poor wolfman to emphasize this point. He always does such evil booting in a very compassionate fashion though, because he is, at heart, a big softie. Of course some creatures are evil through-and-through and undeserving of compassion at all, so Captain ILL is able to unleash the full fury of his righteous booting anger.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL is a big fan of wheat. You can find wheat in all kids of delicious things including: bread, cookies, and Twinkies (you'll have to take the Captain's word on that last one). While Captain ILL is very fond of all the delicious things you can make with wheat, he never thought of it as "amazing", and, unfortunately, this book was not able to alter his opinion. Who ever heard of a cookbook with no pictures in it? This book's single picture appears on the cover, and you can see for yourself how bland that is. The Captain recommends skipping The Amazing Wheat Book and picking up something by the inimitable Betty Crocker instead. She, at least, knows the value of a full-page color picture of a mouthwatering treat.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL usually limits his evil stomping to dry land; when you're undersea, it can be very difficult to get a good stomp going due to water resistance. Unfortunately, evil can be pretty uncooperative, and it's necessary to follow it wherever it may lead. The last time Captain ILL had an adventure under the waves was a couple years ago when he got a call from his old friend Hydrodude. It's a long, complicated story, but suffice it to say that the Captain learned how hard it is to stomp a Carcharodon Carcharias from the inside. Beneath the Seven Seas doesn't really address all the evil creatures living in the oceans, but it does have lots of cool pictures which is almost as good in the Captain's eyes.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-09-02T09:34:00.001-07:00

Captain ILL once helped Mr. Brain, a not-quite-evil scientist who's only about half mad, build a rocket ship. They needed to get to Mars in a hurry, so they cut lots of corners on the design and construction. For example, there were none of those cool fins on the sides like you usually see on rockets. Also, none of the instrument panels lit up with nifty glowing buttons. Still, it did get them to Mars, where they were able to rescue Miss Marvelous from the clutches of the Bug Eyed Monsters From Mars. They did run into a bit of trouble on the way back when the rocket ship burnt up upon re-entry into Earth's atmosphere. Fortunately, Miss Marvelous and Captain ILL were able to withstand the extreme temperatures (though their costumes did not, but that's another story). Unfortunately Mr. Brain's superpower was his super-intelligence, and not the ability to withstand several thousand degrees of heat, so he won't be able to learn better rocket ship construction from Model Rocket Design and Construction.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-08-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese Inventions is one of the greatest books ever to be interlibrary loaned. This is a book full of "bizarre and logic-defying gadgets and gizmos, which must work but are actually entirely impractical". Some samples include: the Hydrophobe's Bath Body Suit, a giant plastic baggie you can crawl inside before settling in the bathtub. Then there's the Umbrella Drip Collector, a small plastic cup that attaches to the tip of your umbrella to prevent it dripping on the floor. And of course there are the Detachable Tooth Covers so you don't have to brush after every meal. These descriptions simply don't do justice to all the marvelous gadgets in this book. Pick up a copy so you can see these wonderful things in full living color!

Interlibrary Loan of the Wednesday.

2008-08-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Captain ILL was busy shopping for gardening supplies at Fred Meyer yesterday, so he wasn't able to get this report out in a timely manner. He did get a big jug of weed killer, a pair of gloves, and some fancy knee pads though (unlike Superman, the Captain's knees are not invulnerable).

A book like Gunshot Wounds is of interest to anyone in the superheroing business. Captain ILL usually doesn't have to worry about ordinary guns; most bullets just bounce right off him. He does try to stay out of the way of RPGs, tanks, and atomic explosions though. Fortunately the evildoers that Captain ILL usually deals with don't have access to that kind of firepower. Sometimes he wishes that some of his regular supervillains would put a little more thought into their weapons though. For example, The Insidious Carrot has a device that shoots carrots at hypersonic speeds. Sure, they hurt, but being hit with a hypersonic carrot is just embarrassing.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

2008-08-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

While Captain ILL normally objects to obscenity in books, and especially in titles, he made an exception in the case of The Two Farms, since the selection of ILL books today is so limited. He supposes if you have to use a bad word like "farm", you might as well use it as many times as possible. Unfortunately, despite the expectations raised by the title, the word "farm" doesn't seem to appear with much frequency throughout the book. The Captain is much too busy to do a page by page count, but he did flip through the book a bit and didn't see "farm" used a single time after the blatant appearance on the cover. Come on people! Let's see some more farmin' ILL requests for farmin' books full of farm ... but only non-gratuitous farming please.

Happy Birthday!

2008-08-24T03:06:00.000-07:00

Today is this little fella's second birthday. It's for folks like Jacob here that Captain ILL boots evil; his boots are still too small for effective evil-booting, so he needs somebody bigger to boot evil for him. Captain ILL dedicates his fight for justice this year to Jacob. He wishes his little buddy a long life filled with peace, joy, and as much justice as this old Captain can wrangle.