In this entry of Captain ILL's diary, we see the first use of his famous laser beams. This signature power of the Captain's has never been exercised with great precision, and this initial appearance sets the groundwork for a long career of singed allies, charred bystanders, and burnt buildings.


Dear diary,

I'm not sure how long I laid there on the operating table wondering what was in store for me. I couldn't help but think that there must be some reason that these noodle-like creatures had taken me apart only to put me back together again. Due to the strange feeling of restrained power I could feel throughout my body, and especially the burning pressure in my eyeballs, I suspected that they hadn't put me back together exactly the same way they had found me. I felt a bit like my Stretch Armstrong must have felt when I sliced him open to see what was inside, except when I did it, I wasn't able to put all the goo back where it belonged. All the noodle like creatures had left by the time I was able to move again and I slowly sat up and gave myself a quick examination. All my goo seemed to be back where it belonged, but the growing pressure in my eyeballs was starting to worry me a bit. Other than that though, I felt great! I felt stronger than ever, and if there had been a tall building handy, I had no doubt that I'd be able to leap over it in a single bound.

Eventually, another noodle-like creature came back into the room and pointed an electric-mixer-like device at me causing a coruscating beam of energy to shoot out and hit me in the chest! I was surprised and pleased to see it bounce off and bore a six-inch hole in the previously featureless white wall. The noodle-like creature smiled (don't ask me how a noodle smiles, you don't want to know) and told me the transformation had been a success. He started to explain that I had been chosen for a very important purpose, and that the future of my planet and even the galaxy depended on my being able to carry out this task. This was why I had been abducted from the cornfield. This was why I had had my brains sucked out and my body altered in peculiar ways. This was why I had to - He never got a chance to complete this last thought though, because the pressure that had been building in my eyeballs finally burst and there was a sudden flash of red light and heat and, when my vision cleared, all that was left of the noodle-like creature was a big hole in the featureless white floor and the lingering scent of burnt spaghetti. Because I had more curiosity than sense, I knelt down and leaned over the hole to get a better look. The hole had been blasted through several feet of now-twisted metal and I could see twinkling lights far below. At first I thought we must be in outer space and I was looking at Betelgeuse or something. Then I spotted the familiar yellow arches of a McDonald's and realized we were hovering over a city, presumably on Earth.

I realized with some distaste that there were slimy noodle-creature bits around the edge of the hole and my hands and knees were getting all icky. They were also getting pretty slippery which I only discovered when I heard the door open behind me and, twisting around to see what was coming in, I lost my grip and slid through the hole and went hurtling towards the lights far below ...

to be continued ...