The next entry in Captain ILL's diary gets pretty gruesome when he comes to the part where the aliens begin their vile surgeries. In order to maintain a "PG" rating for this blog, I've had to edit out a lot of the details. For example, the part where they drill a hole in his head, liquefy his brains, and suck them out into a jar is clearly pretty disgusting so it had to go. Then the part where they re-wire his intestines to make room for a radioactive organ that generates power for his laser beams was very disturbing so I cut that out too. What remains is still pretty farmin' cool, so read on.Dear diary,
A lot has happened since my last entry, the most significant thing probably being when aliens abducted me and surgically modified my body ... but I'll get to that later. I decided to go out for that drive that I mentioned in my last entry, but I stopped at the gas station first to top off my tank because it never hurts to be prepared. Of course it's hard to be prepared for a UFO descending out of the sky and sucking you up into it's innards, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I headed out of town and turned on the radio. Neil Diamond was belting out "Heartlight", so I cranked up the volume. "Heartlight" was immediately followed by "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" by the Carpenters. I was like "ick", but whatever; I sang along with that one too, because there was nobody else around. Even so, it got too embarassing to continue, so I changed the station. The next station was playing Styx, and all Styx sounds the same to me, so it took me awhile to realize they were playing "Come Sail Away". That wasn't quite as embarrassing so I left it there until the song ended and a commercial came on. While I usually feel obligated to listen to commercials in their entirety as payment for all the free music, this was a special occasion, so I flipped the station again. Here David Bowie was singing "Starman"; nothing weird or embarassing about that, but the headlights from an approaching car were getting pretty bright, so I slowed down and edged over towards the right. I must have edged over a bit too far because my car went sailing over the embankment and crashed into a cornfield.
I was a bit stunned, but I got ahold of myself and stepped out of the car to survey the damage. It seemed a bit strange that it was bright as daylight outside when a few minutes ago, the guy on the radio seemed to be pretty sure that it was close to midnight. Then I looked up and saw the UFO. There was a big shaft of light shining down from it, illuminating me and my somewhat bent car. Suddenly, I felt my feet leave the ground; I was being sucked up into the UFO! I grabbed at my car to try and hold myself down, but all I got was the radio antenna which snapped off in my hand. This brought an abrupt end to Bowie's crooning as I was drawn upwards into the alien vessel.
Inside, I found myself in a featureless white room being approached by a noodle-like creature wearing a cowboy hat. I usually like to avoid swearing but, as I said, this was a special occasion, so I shouted, "who the farm are you!".
"I'm the Space Cowboy" he said, and pointed a device that vaguely resembled a blender at me. I brandished the car radio antenna at him, but if I he found it intimidating, I never knew it. I passed out.
I woke up later thinking that I couldn't fault his logic; he had been wearing a cowboy hat so he was obviously a Space Cowboy. He had probably shot me with that blender because I had asked such a stupid question. I resolved to restrain the impulse to ask stupid questions as long as I was a captive in this alien dohicky. I was in another featureless white room, but this one was smaller than the last one and my broken antenna was nowhere in sight. A door-sized hole appeared in the wall, and another noodle-like creature carrying a blender appeared. I eyed the blender warily and when he told me to precede him out the hole, I refrained from asking why.
Diary, I wish I could tell you about all the cool alien gizmos and gadgets I saw, but I found myself walking down a featureless white corridor and intersected with one featureless white corridor after another. It was a good thing there was a noodle-like creature shoving a blender into my back from time to time or I would have become lost pretty quick. Eventually I was led into another white featureless room with a me-sized table in the middle. I was told to lie on the table and, remembering my resolution to not ask stupid questions, I went ahead and laid down. Several other noodle-like creatures shuffled into the room (is "shuffle" the correct term to describe the ambulation of a noodle-like creature?). One of them pointed a waffle-maker-like device at me and I suddenly realized I couldn't move. Another one pointed a toaster like device at my abdomen and - (
this is where various disgusting things are done to our future Captain. It's best that the details are left to the imagination. ed.) - then, when they completed that procedure, they squirted my brains back into my head where I could feel them gradually start to solidify. I laid there helpless in the featureless white room as the aliens began to suture all the holes they had created in my body ...
to be continued ...
