Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide To Cooking On Your Car Engine! (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL was helping me return books this morning and he paused dramatically when he saw this title. Apparently it reminded him of the time he was helping Batman with a tricky case while he was between Robins. Batman had left The Captain in the parked batmobile while he went into a bank to cash a batcheck. Captain ILL decided this would be a good opportunity to eat his lunch, so he pulled his Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox out from under the batseat and discovered that his valet had packed him a box of frozen microwaveable macaroni and cheese. After ten minutes of searching for the batmicrowave, he concluded that the Dark Knight had overlooked an important element in batmobile design. Fortunately the keys were in the ignition, so it was the work of a moment for our industrious Captain to start it up and pop the hood. He studied the engine for some time but couldn't locate the manifold. There were lots of flashing lights and a beam of coruscating energy that looked promising, so he dropped the packet of mac and cheese into that after first carefully peeling the corner of the plastic film back to allow steam to escape. Twenty long minutes later Batman returned to find a still hungry Captain ILL sitting innocently in the passenger seat of a mostly melted batmobile. That was the last time The Captain used a car for cooking and, coincidentally, also the last time he worked with Batman.

Sewing Secrets From the Fashion Industry (ILL of the day)

Little known fact: most superheroes purchase their costumes from the insectoid Brzkchk species from the Nth dimension. Their method of costume creation is somewhat unique in that it involves vomiting up fibrous organic material which then molds itself to the body of the customer. This admittedly disgusting procedure yields a soft, breathable fabric stronger than titanium yet flexible enough that if Bruce Banner wasn't too cheap to buy a set, he wouldn't need a new set of clothes every time he turned into The Hulk. For esoteric reasons the cheapest costumes come in strange colors like "florg" or "zzrbk", but for a slightly higher price you can get a costume in blue, or yellow, or even red like Captain ILL's.

Oliver + S little things to sew (ILL of the day)

When Captain ILL saw this book, a faraway look came into his eye as he remembered the event that caused the initial rift in his friendship with Superman. In addition to his other many talents, The Captain is quite the seamster, and when Superman started a clothing drive for the citizens of the miniaturized city of Kandor, Captain ILL was the first to sign up. In between bootings of evil-doers, our Captain sewed thousands of tiny red longjohns (in truth, the only thing he knows how to sew) for the folks of longjohn-deprived Kandor. Well, apparently Superman didn't feel that red longjohns would be appropriate garments for the Kandorians, and the shipment was "misplaced" and Captain ILL hasn't spoken to that big blue meanie ever since.

Why Don't Haircuts Hurt? (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has long patronized Floyd, robot-barber to superheroes. Floyd was one of the early creations of the Acme Robot Corporation before they were absorbed by the Evil Robot Corporation. A little known fact is that most superhuman hair is nearly as invulnerable as the rest of a superhuman's body, so Floyd wields a selection of diamond-edged scissors, adamantium clippers, and a precision super-laser hair removal system that would incinerate an ordinary mortal who accidentally stumbled into Floyd's barbershop. With all this expensive hardware Floyd charges a premium price for his services, and Captain ILL has also heard that he makes a killing selling indestructible hair clippings for industrial purposes.

A Day in the Life of a Dentist (ILL of the day)

The last time Captain ILL dueled with Dr. Dentin and his Mauling Molars he had to be fitted with dentures while he waited for his teeth to grow back (his healing factor works much more slowly than Wolverine's). The Mauling Molars pummeled The Captain into unconsciousness and held him down while the evil dentist used his adamantium forceps to extract all of our favorite Captain's teeth. Later, Captain ILL was happy to discover that not all dentists are sadistic fiends when his own dentist gave him a lollipop for sitting still while his titanium dentures were fitted.

The Mean and Vulgar Bits: Fractions and Averages (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL acknowledges the usefulness of mathematics when kept in its proper place. For example, without integral calculus how would we know how much jello is needed to fill Aquaman's swimming pool while he's on vacation? Still, most grade school students would agree that fractions are evil and deserving of a good booting. They've got all those halves and thirds and worst of all fifths! Outside of his neighborhood liquor store, Captain ILL has absolutely no use for fifths! So if you see any fractions wandering the halls of your school or office, boot first and ask questions later!

Ninja A.D 1460-1650 (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL often encounters ninjas in his line of work. In fact, there are times that the ninjas are flying through the air in such numbers that he has difficulty counting them all (not that he would be able to count them easily even if they lined up for him). Apparently ninja training has declined considerably in modern times and they now focus on quantity rather than quality. It's not unknown for a whole platoon of ninjas to attack a single superhero only to learn the fatal lesson that good always triumphs over evil. In Captain ILL's case this mostly because those dainty little slippers worn by ninjas are easily crushed under the hard boot of justice!

Hug Hug! (ILL of the day)

Long time readers will know that Captain ILL is practically bulletproof. Unfortunately, he's not hugproof as he learned to his dismay the last time he tangled with Doctor Octopus. Hugs are an often overlooked, but effective, weapon in a super-arsenal, especially when they are offered with super-strong limbs forged out of an advanced titanium alloy. Luckily Professor Petroleum happened to be nearby and with a liberal application of some lubricant from the Prof's utility belt, our Captain squirted out of the evil Doctor's clutches and quickly booted him into unconsciousness. So beware; most hugs are nice, but titanium hugs are not!

Introducing Newton (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is fascinated by what he calls "that science stuff", though he seems to be under the impression that it has something to do with hairstyling. As evidence of this hypothesis, he pointed to the cover of this book as well as pictures of Albert Einstein, James Clerk Maxwell, and Dr. Shrinker. I know for a fact that The Captain didn't open this book, but he told me the following story about how Isaac Newton invented hairstyling. Apparently Mr. Newton was sitting under an apple tree one day, when a pernicious apple fell on his head and injured the poor fellow terribly. Now this Newton was apparently some sort of brainiac (he later went on to invent the Fig Newton), so he immediately realized that if he grew his hair long and thick it would protect his head from future apple strikes. Of course nowadays apple trees are kept corralled in orchards so we are free to style our hair however we like.

As always, it's important to remember that our dear Captain has taken a few blows to the head himself over the years, and there's no padding in that pot he wears on his head.

Chocolate French (ILL of the day)

When Captain ILL saw this book, a faraway look appeared in his eyes as he recalled his final battle with the archvillain Papa Chocolate several years ago. Papa Chocolate had staged a series of daring burglaries in most of the confectioneries across the city. His evil plan had been to gather all the chocolate in the city and hold it for ransom to finance his exorbitant sweet tooth. The Captain tracked him down by following the trail of truffles, caramels, and nut clusters all the way back to his secret hideout in the cocoa district. The battle lasted for hours as the two titans demolished several city blocks in their struggle. Captain ILL nearly lost an eye when he took a nougat bolt to the face, but in the end he triumphed and the city's chocolate reserves were returned to their rightful owners. Captain ILL is suddenly a bit hungry ...

Electricity One-Seven (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL already knows everything he needs to know about electricity: that it mostly comes out of tiny holes in the wall, and that it really hurts when hurled from the fingertips of Electro the Master of Electricity. Even so he took the time to flip through this electricity textbook but instead of pages and pages of stylized lightning bolts it was filled with strange little diagrams and words like "Thermionic Generator", "Resonant Transformer Vectors", and "Cascode Amplifiers". Long time readers will know that this sort of thing gives The Captain a headache, so that was the extent of his education in electricity.

The Hungry Thing (ILL of the day)

Being a famous superhero, Captain ILL has the inside track on superhero habits and quirks. For example, in order to fuel all their various superpowers they need to consume vast quantities of food and drink. Seeing this book reminded The Captain of the time he and The Thing patronized an International House of Pancakes late one night after trouncing some miscreants who had been littering in the park. No doubt all of the Captain's readers are familiar with IHOP's all you can eat pancakes for $4.99 deal. Well the reason that deal was discontinued was because of a mythical night when a very hungry Thing and an even hungrier Captain ILL sat down at the bar and proceeded to gobble their way through hundreds of delicious pancakes.

Leonardo: The Artist and the Man (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL took a quick preview of this book this morning (meaning he skipped to the picture insert in the middle) and expressed great admiration for the paintings he found. He then flipped to the back cover to read a few of the blurbs and discovered that Leonardo apparently wrote a bunch of notebooks. The Captain, being a notebooker himself, was even more impressed with this. Apparently he's been a great fan of the work of Leonardo ever since he joined the cast of Growing Pains in the seventh season, but never knew about all his additional talents.

The Discovery of the Amazon (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is a big Internets shopper, and ever since getting an Amazon Prime membership he shops there all the time. He's very impressed with the way those mighty Amazon warriors have put aside their loathing of mankind to deliver inexpensive products in a timely manner. Here's a sample of his recent purchases: ginger root capsules (to combat car sickness while riding in the back seat of the Batmobile), a bottle of Hempz herbal moisturizer (The Captain gets dry hands during the winter), and a salad spinner (even superheroes need to eat their vegetables). Even though Wonder Woman still won't give Captain ILL the time of day, he's still grateful for the discovery of the Amazon.

High Pressure Boilers (ILL of the day)

When Captain ILL saw High Pressure Boilers (4th Edition), he was reminded of his old pal Boilerman who gained his superpowers after accidentally falling into a high pressure boiler. Instead of killing him instantly as it would an ordinary person, the intense heat and pressure compressed him to the size of a largish grape. After that, he could withstand any pressure, no matter how intense, so he got a job manning the Justice League complaint line. No doubt that's such a high stress job due to the incredible number of calls with complaints about that arrogant jerk Superman.

The 100 (ILL of the day)

When "The 100: A Ranking of the Most Influential Persons In History" crossed the Captain's desk, he was far too modest to think he would be in the number one spot. He supposed that he would probably place around third or fourth so he was stupefied when he couldn't find any mention of himself anywhere in this 556 page book. Some fella named "Isaac Newton" grabbed second place and a "Jesus Christ" came in third. Even Ernest Rutherford (presumably the father of Lumpy on Leave It to Beaver) gets the number 56 spot. However, Captain ILL can take solace in the fact that at least that ratfink Superman didn't make the cut either.