Melted!

Unfortunately, the rising temperature has not freed Captain ILL from his icy prison, but melted him instead! Is this the end of the mighty Captain? Who will fill his boots if he's gone for good? Does anyone have a magic hat capable of reconstituting melted snow?

Frozen!

Unfortunately Captain ILL was hit by a freeze ray this morning as he stepped outside for his morning walk. Here you can see him with his fists raised in defiance of whatever evil villain perpetrated this deed. We can only hope that the temperature rises over the freezing point before it's time for the ILL of the day, or worse, before he has to sub for Santa tomorrow night!

Snow!

Sadly, there will be no ILL of the day today. Captain ILL woke up this morning to find a foot-and-a-half of snow outside his door and decided to walk to his day job at the library place. Fortunately he has superhuman strength and endurance or he might have got a bit tired lifting his feet so high out of the snow with each step. The roads were mostly ok, but that's because the snowplows came by and plowed all the snow on the roads onto the sidewalks. Fortunately the library place was open when he got there. Unfortunately, they closed a few minutes after he got there. Tomorrow the Captain will call before heading out the door to make sure those folks without superpowers don't decide to close the building down again. Oh, and a special thanks to Jazzergigi for giving him a lift back home; even Captain ILL has his limits.

The Greatest Football Game Ever Played (ILL of the day)

In spite of his great skill at booting and kicking, Captain ILL hasn't played football since he was a young Captain. The reason for the Captain's aversion for football can no doubt be traced to the many times during his youth when he'd be running up to kick the football only to have it snatched away by the neighbor girl. After flying through the air and crashing on his back, he would contemplate the futility of kicking footballs and trusting girls. There's no question that these experiences were a deciding factor in his decision to boot evil instead of footballs, as well as his reluctance to trust any girl holding a football.

Attack of the Sinister Snowmen of Pluto!

Captain ILL had the day off today, so figured he would relax by the fire and roast some chestnuts or something. Unfortunately, he got a call this morning from Santa asking if the Captain could fill in again this year. Well, you just don't say no to The Claus, so Captain ILL canceled his Christmas plans and agreed to fill in. Later he made a trip to Costco to drown his sorrows in a pumpkin pie only to discover that the pie machine had broken down or something and there was no pie to be had. Finally, when he pulled back into his driveway, he was assaulted by the Sinister Snowmen of Pluto who were apparently quite upset that their world had been downgraded from full planet status two years ago (it's a long journey to Earth from Pluto). Fortunately, the Captain made short work of them with his laser beams leaving large puddles of water in his driveway that will no doubt turn into a sheet of ice by morning. On the bright side, the Fedex guy dropped off Santa's suit this evening and it's so warm and comfy that Captain ILL has decided to wear it until Christmas.

Calvin's Commentaries (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is a big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. In spite of the fact that Calvin has a sizable evil streak, and is thus deserving of a good booting, he is very clever and imaginative, and would probably make a very good mad scientist. So imagine the Captain's surprise when he discovered that Calvin had grown up to become a theologian instead of a supervillian. He's written a series of commentaries on various books of the Bible that are completely devoid of cartoons and transmogrifiers. It's always a travesty when someone becomes an adult, but it somehow compounds the horror if they become a theologian. In remembrance of the young Calvin, here's a seasonally appropriate strip featuring a snowman and the inimitable Susie Derkins:

Baby Blues (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has never had any children of his own, but, being a superhero and the subject of public adulation, he has had several babies left at his doorstep. While the ILL cave is not really set up for caring for infants (what with all the confiscated death rays and doomsday devices laying around), the Captain is a very caring and nurturing fellow, and he manages to make do with what he has. For example, the hazardous waste disposal system normally used to handle the anti-matter reactor in the ILLmobile can just as easily dispose of soiled diapers. Back in the 70's Captain ILL acquired a surplus cone of silence at a CONTROL rummage sale which comes in pretty darned handy when the little rapscallions throw a temper tantrum. But the handiest gadget of all when dealing with toddlers, is an aging ray confiscated from Professor Pain that can instantly transform a baby into an adult ready to become a contributing member of society. This almost seems like cheating, but it does leave a lot of extra time for booting evil.

Nuclear War Survival Skills (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has a few stories to tell about nucular (we still have 40 days before we can go back to "nuclear") weapons. His old buddy Miracleman lost his memory after flying too close to an exploding nucular bomb. In fact, based on purely anecdotal evidence, it seems like there are hardly any benefits at all to being close to a nucular explosion. Even super-robots and intelligent super-computers have to watch out for the accompanying electromagnetic pulse. Occasionally you have reports of someone like The Hulk gaining superpowers due to standing too close to exploding nuculars, but is turning into a giant green monster whenever you get angry really all that great of a superpower? Is it even worth all the clothing that gets shredded whenever the change comes on? Captain ILL says, just say no to nucular bombs! Even if all your friends have one, that's no excuse!

How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL isn't familiar with the work of Zsa Zsa Gabor, but based on the title of this book, she must be a bounty hunter of some sort. Now the Captain would never stoop to hunting for miscreants for money; he works strictly pro bono. However, bounty hunters do sometimes serve a purpose since superheroes are almost universally overworked and don't have the time to hunt down every penny ante crook who's flown the coop. The efforts of those rare individuals with superpowers are best reserved for the likes of Professor Pain, Doctor Doom, or Dick Cheney. However, Captain ILL simply cannot condone extreme acts of vigilantism such as Ms. Gabor seems to be endorsing based on the final part of her title: "How to Get Rid of a Man". Murder is never justified, even when a villian is gauche enough to get their blood all over your boots.

George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior In Company and Coversation (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL can be a bit old fashioned at times. This can lead to unfortunate incidents where he steps aside to let a lady go first, while the lady steps aside and insists that he go first. Now the Captain is pretty stubborn, but ladies can be stubborn too, and the two of them might still be standing in that hallway if Captain ILL hadn't realized that it would be better if he just turned around and went back to his desk; he'd forgotten what he was going down the hallway for anyway. To avoid these sorts of disasters, the Captain recommends all Americans adhere to the rules in this book laid down two centuries ago by the father of our country. In any case, rules like: "Rince not your Mouth in the Presence of Others" and "In Company of your Betters be not longer at eating than they are lay not your Arm but only your hand upon the table". If we can all agree upon this, perhaps Captain ILL can spend less time standing in the halls and more time booting evil.

Icy Clutches (ILL of the day)

Of course Captain ILL feels that all villains are despicable scoundrels barely worthy to feel the bottom of his boot as he stomps on them. However, villains with a cold theme are particularly worthy of his contempt. It may not be readily apparent, but the Captain's costume is not insulated, and while his superpowers may protect him from the more deleterious effects of cold like frostbite, he is still very susceptible to goose pimples, and chilly temperatures are quite uncomfortable for him. The last time he battled Doctor Icecube, Captain ILL was frozen inside a solid block of ice for several hours before his eyelids thawed enough for him to use his laser beams to escape. The Captain didn't enjoy being frozen inside a giant ice cube, and he doesn't recommend anyone else try being frozen inside a giant ice cube either. In fact, Captain ILL recommends avoiding ice altogether unless it's floating safely in a cool, refreshing glass of diet Coke.

Cooking for Company (ILL of the day)

When Captain ILL saw this book, he figured it would be the perfect opportunity to get some extra tips on preparing macaroni and cheese for when he has sophisticated guests for dinner. Unfortunately, after a quick skim of the index, he couldn't find any entries for macaroni. The closest they had was "Macadamia nuts - Coconut Macadamia Cake" on page 176. After a thorough perusal of this recipe, the Captain concluded that it would likely be very tasty, but would not make an adequate substitute for macaroni and cheese. Just to cover all the bases, Captain ILL also tried to look up "Weenies" in the index hoping to find the sliced weenies that Bowlingwidow is so fond of. Unfortunately, this book dropped the ball again, with the closest entry being "Whipped cream, wonderful" on page 187. While adding brandy and vanilla to whipped cream does indeed sound wonderful, it's no substitute for sliced weenies, so the Captain cannot recommend this book for elegant entertaining.

The Olivia Newton-John Companion (ILL of the day)

Seeing this book takes Captain ILL back to a simpler age, an age of headbands, legwarmers, and Olivia Newton-John's smash hit "Physical" which caused the adolescent Captain and many other young men to develop a mad crush on the headbanded singer. There seems to be something about an attractive woman in a leotard bouncing around and singing about "getting physical" that does things to adolescent boys' libidos. These days, Captain ILL works in a field where there are lots of women dressed in leotards bouncing all over the place ... that would be superheroing, not his part-time work in the library; librarians do not bounce.

Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL was first introduced to Anthony de Mello by Uncle ILL who gave him an extra copy of one of his books. While Christian spirituality isn't really the Captain's thing, as someone who isn't usually aware of the state of his own shoelaces, Captain ILL could certainly use a lesson or two in awareness so here is a short story from the foreward:

A man found an eagle's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.

All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe, "Who's that?" he asked.

"That's the eagle, the king of the birds," said his neighbor. "He belongs to the sky" We belong to the earth-we're chickens." So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that's what he thought he was.



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The Best American Recipes 2005-2006 (ILL of the day)

Despite his chosen headgear, Captain ILL is not a natural in the kitchen. He does like looking at food though, and can follow a recipe, so he can't resist flipping through recipe books when they cross the ILL desk. The Captain has expressed his derision for cookbooks without pictures many times in the past, so there's no reason to bring up that topic again except that this cookbook doesn't have any pictures! Get with the program! If this book is indeed full of America's best recipes, lets have some pictures to prove it! Recently Captain ILL did his Christmas baking and promptly took pictures of all the cookies. How else could he prove that he had baked them? Certainly not by their presence on Christmas since he will have succumbed to temptation and consumed them all by then. He's already eaten enough of the Crisco sugar cookies to qualify for Cookie Monster's job if the great "C" ever retires. In any case, the cover of this book is certainly enticing, and Captain ILL loves his macaroni and cheese ...

Riquette's International Beauty Secrets: The Amazing World of Kitchen Cosmetics (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL hasn't paid much attention to his personal appearance over the years. This is no doubt a result of wearing a cooking pot on his head at all times. Similarly, he's never had a pedicure because he refuses to remove his boots as he needs to remain ever vigilant in case some miscreant needs booting. Even so, he likes the idea of being able to "use common food items from the pantry to make pure, fresh and inexpensive beauty products". Here's a recipe that the Captain can't wait to try if he ever takes his boots off:

After the Ball Footbath

After a night of dancing, tell your feet "Merci Beaucoup!"

1/4 Cup Epsom Salt
1/2 Cup Baking Soda
Handful of Fragrant Flowers

Add ingredients to a tub of warm water and soak as desired.

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