Crime and Passion (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is very passionate about crime. Fighting crime, that is. He feels that criminals should be booted, or at the very least, be locked up for extended periods of time, where they can be booted at leisure. The Captain is often asked how he became so passionate about crimefighting, and whether he has always been that way. He has not. When Captain ILL was a mere child he was caught shoplifting a squirt gun from Fred Meyer. It was this tragic, humiliating experience that put him on the straight and narrow path of justice that he still walks today. This origin story may lack the melodrama of watching your parents get killed by a mugger (like Batman), or the terror of getting bitten by a radioactive spider (like Spiderman), but when it comes right down to it, the reason why you fight evil doesn't matter nearly as much as how hard your boots are.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Captain ILL has been called away to fight off an army of laser-shooting cybernetic turkeys, but he wanted to wish everyone out there on the internets a very happy Thanksgiving.

Losing Your Shirt (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is no stranger to losing his shirt. Back in the early days of his superhero career, before he could afford a uniform made of unstable molecules, he used to lose his whole costume all the time. You have no idea how hard it is on clothing when you run into a burning building to save a crying baby, or Dick Cheney blasts you with both barrels. It got to be so embarrassing that The Captain finally had to charge all his credit cards to the max in order to purchase a pair of unstable molecule underwear so at least some mystery would be preserved when the rest of his costume disintegrated. Of course it meant doing laundry every night, because Captain ILL could only afford one pair. So the next time a superhero comes running out of a burning building cradling your baby in his arms with his costume in flames, be sure and give him a big tip.

Shelly Is Sad (ILL of the day)

Unfortunately, Shelly is sad. Captain ILL is sure that all his reader's are sad after learning about Louie, the blind collie from yesterday's ILL of the day. Of course it's always sad when a dog goes blind, but poor Louie can still lead a happy and fulfilling life even if he can't afford Lasik. According to Wikipedia, dogs have 44 times the number of smell-sensitive cells as humans as well as a much greater sense of hearing. So while Louie may not get as much enjoyment out of his favorite TV shows anymore, he'll still have a sense of smell and hearing far superior to even Captain ILL's superhuman senses, and that's nothing to sniff at!

Kristy and the Snobs (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is well acquainted with the playground shenanigans of boys. Before he was abducted by aliens and given superpowers, Captain ILL was the victim of many a bully's fist on the playground. He had the unfortunate habit of always getting in fights with bigger boys, and it was only much later that he deduced a connection between a boy's size and his bully index. The Captain was informed only yesterday, that ten year old girls can be just as cruel as ten year old boys, and the ILL of the day today confirms this. From the back cover: "Kristy and her family live in a new neighborhood. The kids there aren't very friendly. In fact, they're ... well, snobs. They criticize Kristy's clothes. They make fun of the Baby-sitters Club. And worst of all, they laugh at Louie, Kristy's pet collie, who's going blind. Nobody does that and gets away with it!" Captain ILL sympathizes with Kristy. When he was a young Captain he once shot a boy in the arm with a BB gun after that boy kicked Sadie, the Captain's aged mutt. Since then, Captain ILL has learned that BB guns are not the answer (especially after the Sheriff came and confiscated it). Besides, in the Captain's experience, bullies learn better from a good booting.

Money: An Owner's Manual (ILL of the day)

Books about money continue to flood the interlibrary loan desk, so Captain ILL assumes that the economic crisis has not been straightened out yet. While the Captain keeps all his money in a vibranium chest buried in his backyard (don't bother digging for it, he covered the lawn with "x"es to throw off criminals), he's still a bit concerned due to all the extra work it creates for superheroes. Unfortunately, a life of crime can seem like an attractive option for someone who's just lost their home, and there's nothing Captain ILL hates more than bringing Robin Hooders to justice. Still, justice is justice, and fortunately our great country has unending space in it's prisons. Right?

Prevention's Healing with Vitamins (ILL of the day)

Healing is a big issue for superheroes, though you wouldn't know it from reading comic books. Some folks like Wolverine have healing factors that enable them to heal dreadful wounds almost instantaneously. Captain ILL, though highly resistant to damage, doesn't have a healing factor so he has to rely on things like vitamins or mad scientists to heal him when the occasional adamantine bullet or left hook from the Hulk injures him. It turns out that special instruments are needed to perform surgery on someone with bullet-proof skin and if your sutures are made out of anything weaker than titanium wire, you can forget about jumping right back into action. So take your vitamins kids, and you can grow up to be big and strong like Captain ILL, but you'll still need to be captured and genetically altered by aliens if you want to have superpowers.

Theory and Practice of Lime Manufacture (ILL of the day)

The ILL of the day today is dedicated to Bowlingjoe and Bowlingwidow who just got back from the land of salt and limes. Captain ILL wasn't even aware that you could manufacture limes, but flipping through this book he sees that it seems to involve kilns and various complicated bits of machinery. All these years the Captain thought limes were grown on a lime bush-but it doesn't really matter where they come from, the most important thing to remember about limes is that you need about a half dozen of them to make a yucka.

Colonies In Space (ILL of the day)

There is a long tradition in the superheroing world to have headquarters or secret bases on space stations. From Magneto's Asteroid M to the Justice League's Watchtower, there's something about outer space that draws superheroes and supervillains alike. Perhaps it's the ability to perform dreadful experiments away from the watchful eye of governments, or the advantageous position it gives for keeping a watchful eye on miscreants, or even just for the fantastic view. Captain ILL doesn't have the financial backing to have an orbital secret lair, but it's probably just as well since he has a tendency to get motion sick in freefall.

Dealing With People You Can't Stand (ILL of the day)

Being a superhero means you often find yourself dealing with despicable scoundrels like Doctor Doom or Dick Cheney. Fortunately "dealing" with supervillains means booting and pummeling them into submission. Superheroes have no need to "identify the 10 most unwanted behaviors and how to deal with each of them" or learn "how difficult people think, what they fear, and why they act the way they do". Villains fear a good booting! They do what they do because they are villains! Overanalyzing their motivations can lead to sympathy, and sympathy can lead to hesitation, and hesitators lose! Don't think, boot!

The Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has been taking yoga classes recently. He never realized that his body could bend itself into so many strange and interesting positions. He's no Plasticman or Mr. Fantastic, but after a couple of months he can finally do a halfway decent down dog. One of the strange and interesting things that the Captain learned about yoga is that in the city of Marysville, it's only practiced by women; he was surprised to arrive for his first day of class and find only women in the class. Of course he's used to being around women, working for the library and all, but he couldn't help remembering those TV commercials for women-only gyms and then wondering if he was in the wrong place. But he was welcomed by the instructors, and found a place in back for his mat where he hoped his inability to bend properly wouldn't be noticed. Eventually, he was able to bend more than usual, and he didn't break any bones, so he counted the experience a positive one. Captain ILL would definitely recommend yoga to anyone, especially if they like to bend.

Jumpin' Jim's Ukulele Christmas (ILL of the day)

It was recently brought to Captain ILL's attention that, due to the vagaries of the calendar, the Christmas season will be starting a bit later than usual this year. This is completely unacceptable! There are plenty of reasons for extending the Christmas season instead of shortening it just because Thanksgiving happens to fall near the very end of the month. Surely the state of the economy demands we squeeze in as much shopping time as possible? What about the trees? If we're going to go out and chop down a Christmas tree, don't we owe it to that poor tree to keep it up as long as possible? And how about "Christmas nerds" like poor Captain ILL whose heart is warmed by all the Christmas decorations, Christmas music, and Christmas cookies? Trust me, we all want the Captain's heart to be warm, or he's liable to have more booting accidents than usual. So please support the Movement to Extend the Christmas Season by voting in the new poll!

Careers for Class Clowns (ILL of the day)

There are many clown-types in the larger-than-life world that Captain ILL inhabits: The Joker, The Riddler, and W just to name a few. Invariably they end up choosing careers in villainy rather than heroing. Superheroing is serious business, and real superheroes understand that. When you're out there on the front lines booting evil every day, there are no practical jokes, only dangerous stunts liable to get innocent people hurt or killed. That must be why there's no chapter on superheroes in this book. The author understands what Captain ILL had to learn the hard way; clowns are evil!

Star the Snowy Kitten (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL may be allergic to cats, but he still thinks that kittens are awfully cute. However, even if they weren't cute as heck, something like cat juggling would still make him very mad. How can someone do something like that, put it on the youtubes, and get away with it? The Captain wishes he knew how to follow the internets tubes back to where this despicable villain lives so he could give him a thorough booting!

Science and Math For Technology (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is beginning to suspect that there's some sort of math conspiracy devoted to driving him crazy. Everyone knows by now what an opponent of numbers and number-related disciplines the Captain is, but the requests for math books just keep coming. Why is everyone so interested in math? Don't they realize that nobody but mad scientists have any use for math once they get out of school? Numbers may not be technically evil, but they are certainly suspicious, and probably deserving of a good booting. The trouble is, Captain ILL hasn't figured out how to boot a number yet, so if anyone has any tips, please post them here.

Election day!

Captain ILL has seen a lot folks out there telling everyone to get out and vote today. Some folks are happy to tell you who to vote for, while other folks just ask you to vote and trust that you'll make the right decision. The Captain feels that democracy, flaws and all, is the best system available in today's governmental market, so he won't tell you who you should vote for. He will say that he has certain information, gathered by a secret cabal of super-scientists (some mad, some not), that indicates a clear correlation between voting for McCain and developing malignant neoplasms of various sorts. Captain ILL doesn't know what a malignant neoplasm is, but it doesn't sound very nice, so please take that into account when you vote today.

Day of the Dead

Captain ILL attended an annual Day of the Dead celebration Saturday evening in his secret identity. It started out as an enjoyable evening, with lots of skulls, food, and alcohol (which the Captain only pretended to imbibe, since he never drinks). Unfortunately the event quickly turned tragic when the drunken host attempted to jump over the bonfire, tripped, and set himself on fire. Captain ILL, not realizing that this was not part of the evenings entertainment, did not immediately rush to his aid and the poor fellow expired in an ironic Day of the Dead twist. Needless to say, the Captain felt pretty bad about this as the widow seemed a bit upset, so he phoned a mad scientist friend of his who has a cloning lab set up in his Winnebago. The mad scientist rushed over, took a quick DNA sample from the crisped corpse and flash grew a clone in the RV while everyone waited anxiously. After a quick brain transplant, the patient was good as new except for a slight lump on his head where the newly installed scalp-hinge was installed to make it easier to switch brains in the future in case something like this ever happened again. Meanwhile, Captain ILL phoned up a telepathic mutant friend of his who rushed over and wiped out everyone's memories of the disaster to preserve the Captain's secret identity. It was a very exciting evening, but Captain ILL can't help but think that there's a lesson of some sort to be learned from it ...