Oliver + S little things to sew (ILL of the day)

When Captain ILL saw this book, a faraway look came into his eye as he remembered the event that caused the initial rift in his friendship with Superman. In addition to his other many talents, The Captain is quite the seamster, and when Superman started a clothing drive for the citizens of the miniaturized city of Kandor, Captain ILL was the first to sign up. In between bootings of evil-doers, our Captain sewed thousands of tiny red longjohns (in truth, the only thing he knows how to sew) for the folks of longjohn-deprived Kandor. Well, apparently Superman didn't feel that red longjohns would be appropriate garments for the Kandorians, and the shipment was "misplaced" and Captain ILL hasn't spoken to that big blue meanie ever since.

Why Don't Haircuts Hurt? (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has long patronized Floyd, robot-barber to superheroes. Floyd was one of the early creations of the Acme Robot Corporation before they were absorbed by the Evil Robot Corporation. A little known fact is that most superhuman hair is nearly as invulnerable as the rest of a superhuman's body, so Floyd wields a selection of diamond-edged scissors, adamantium clippers, and a precision super-laser hair removal system that would incinerate an ordinary mortal who accidentally stumbled into Floyd's barbershop. With all this expensive hardware Floyd charges a premium price for his services, and Captain ILL has also heard that he makes a killing selling indestructible hair clippings for industrial purposes.

A Day in the Life of a Dentist (ILL of the day)

The last time Captain ILL dueled with Dr. Dentin and his Mauling Molars he had to be fitted with dentures while he waited for his teeth to grow back (his healing factor works much more slowly than Wolverine's). The Mauling Molars pummeled The Captain into unconsciousness and held him down while the evil dentist used his adamantium forceps to extract all of our favorite Captain's teeth. Later, Captain ILL was happy to discover that not all dentists are sadistic fiends when his own dentist gave him a lollipop for sitting still while his titanium dentures were fitted.

The Mean and Vulgar Bits: Fractions and Averages (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL acknowledges the usefulness of mathematics when kept in its proper place. For example, without integral calculus how would we know how much jello is needed to fill Aquaman's swimming pool while he's on vacation? Still, most grade school students would agree that fractions are evil and deserving of a good booting. They've got all those halves and thirds and worst of all fifths! Outside of his neighborhood liquor store, Captain ILL has absolutely no use for fifths! So if you see any fractions wandering the halls of your school or office, boot first and ask questions later!

Ninja A.D 1460-1650 (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL often encounters ninjas in his line of work. In fact, there are times that the ninjas are flying through the air in such numbers that he has difficulty counting them all (not that he would be able to count them easily even if they lined up for him). Apparently ninja training has declined considerably in modern times and they now focus on quantity rather than quality. It's not unknown for a whole platoon of ninjas to attack a single superhero only to learn the fatal lesson that good always triumphs over evil. In Captain ILL's case this mostly because those dainty little slippers worn by ninjas are easily crushed under the hard boot of justice!

Hug Hug! (ILL of the day)

Long time readers will know that Captain ILL is practically bulletproof. Unfortunately, he's not hugproof as he learned to his dismay the last time he tangled with Doctor Octopus. Hugs are an often overlooked, but effective, weapon in a super-arsenal, especially when they are offered with super-strong limbs forged out of an advanced titanium alloy. Luckily Professor Petroleum happened to be nearby and with a liberal application of some lubricant from the Prof's utility belt, our Captain squirted out of the evil Doctor's clutches and quickly booted him into unconsciousness. So beware; most hugs are nice, but titanium hugs are not!

Introducing Newton (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is fascinated by what he calls "that science stuff", though he seems to be under the impression that it has something to do with hairstyling. As evidence of this hypothesis, he pointed to the cover of this book as well as pictures of Albert Einstein, James Clerk Maxwell, and Dr. Shrinker. I know for a fact that The Captain didn't open this book, but he told me the following story about how Isaac Newton invented hairstyling. Apparently Mr. Newton was sitting under an apple tree one day, when a pernicious apple fell on his head and injured the poor fellow terribly. Now this Newton was apparently some sort of brainiac (he later went on to invent the Fig Newton), so he immediately realized that if he grew his hair long and thick it would protect his head from future apple strikes. Of course nowadays apple trees are kept corralled in orchards so we are free to style our hair however we like.

As always, it's important to remember that our dear Captain has taken a few blows to the head himself over the years, and there's no padding in that pot he wears on his head.

Chocolate French (ILL of the day)

When Captain ILL saw this book, a faraway look appeared in his eyes as he recalled his final battle with the archvillain Papa Chocolate several years ago. Papa Chocolate had staged a series of daring burglaries in most of the confectioneries across the city. His evil plan had been to gather all the chocolate in the city and hold it for ransom to finance his exorbitant sweet tooth. The Captain tracked him down by following the trail of truffles, caramels, and nut clusters all the way back to his secret hideout in the cocoa district. The battle lasted for hours as the two titans demolished several city blocks in their struggle. Captain ILL nearly lost an eye when he took a nougat bolt to the face, but in the end he triumphed and the city's chocolate reserves were returned to their rightful owners. Captain ILL is suddenly a bit hungry ...