Streetstyle (ILL of the day)

Just take a look at the picture to the right, and you'll easily see that Captain ILL is all about style. Note how the blue-black stomping boots contrast nicely with the red costume. Admire the shininess of the adamantine headgear, and isn't that a particularly nice font on the chest? No doubt everyone reading this will be as puzzled as the Captain by all horrible names the teenagers shout at him as he strolls down the street looking for injustices to justify. Words like "geek", "dork" and "dweeb" are not uncommon. Captain ILL understands that he may be so cool that some people may have difficulty recognizing his coolitude, but he won't pretend it didn't hurt when a young man called him a "spaz" right after he rescued him from a burning building. It wasn't the Captain's fault that the laser beam he fired at Professor Painiac missed and burned down the fellow's home.

Interior Design & Decoration (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has been thinking about redecorating the ILL cave for some time, and seeing this book has finally inspired him to get moving on the project. Captains aren't kings and don't really need throne rooms, but the cover picture looks so awesome the Captain needs to have a room like it somewhere in the cave. Perhaps it would make a good rumpus room. The ILL cave will definitely need a council room for important meetings with groups of superheroes, and the picture of the Trustees Council Chamber of the United Nations on page 579 looks like it would work as well for superheroes as it does for diplomats. The breakfast room of Sir John Soane on page 512 has lots of bookshelves in it, and the Captain likes books (more for decoration than for reading) so he'll want something like that in the cave. It'll be lots of work, but if he can get the Flash to pitch in, it should be done in ... well, a flash.

Naturally Healthy Hair (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL isn't usually too concerned about his hair since he lost most of it in an aging accident ... he accidentally turned 30. However, hair is a big deal in America, especially for superheroes. For a superhero being bald is almost always a sure sign of villainy. It's inevitable that evil mad scientists will have a horrible accident in their lab at some point in their career that makes their hair fall out. Or maybe it's the madness that does it. Either way, they clearly deserve their hairless fates, but it hardly seems fair that jackasses like Superman have a full head of hair, complete with a disgusting little curl in the front when much more deserving superheroes have to do without. Anyway, to get back to the point, for those of you with plenty of active follicles, this book is full of tips for caring for your hair naturally, but if you must use the mayonnaise treatment this book recommends, please be sure to rinse thoroughly; Captain ILL learned that one the hard way.

How to Live Without Electricity - And Like It (ILL of the day)

Electricity is a pretty useful thing (unless you're on the wrong end of Doctor Destroyer's shock blasters ... even if you're nearly invulnerable like Captain ILL, 3000 volts still stings) but, like nuclear energy, some folks don't like it much. There's something about dangerous unseen forces that seems to make people nervous. Unfortunately, the universe would not exist without dangerous unseen forces so the best we can do is learn to live with them, and try not to worry about quantum black holes colliding with the earth and sucking us all into oblivion, or even the dangerous unseen forces behind the collapse of the global economy (Captain ILL finally watched the news last night). Even so, once the economy finishes collapsing it might be useful to be able to "obtain, pump and store potable water" and this book conveniently explains how to do so.

The Coming Economic Earthquake (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL is starting to get a bit concerned about all the doom and gloom money books he's seeing all the time these days. Is the economy in trouble? Should the Captain pull all his money out of turnip futures and put it back in his mattress? Why does it cost so much to fill the ILLmobile up with anti-matter? These are all important questions so perhaps Captain ILL should start watching the news once in awhile instead of relying on cosmic vibrations to inform him of important events.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Investing for Women (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL prides himself on being a complete idiot, so he's a big fan of the "For Dummies" and "Complete Idiot's Guide" series. Aside from the crime reports, he doesn't usually pay too much attention to the news so he's a bit puzzled by the large numbers of books about money, investing, and economics that are coming through the ILL department these days. Perhaps he should check with Bowlingwidow, his economics adviser, to see if anything important is going on in the world...

Famous Joes

Good Joes:
G.I. Joe
Chief Joseph
Joe Walsh
Joseph Merrick
Joey Ramone
Bowlingjoe
Joe Cool
Joe Satriani
Joseph of Arimathea
Joey Tribbiani



Bad Joes:
Josef Stalin
Joey Buttafuoco
Joe the Plumber



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Superidiot

Once more thanks to Bowlingjoe we have a glimpse into the personal life of Superman. Here we see him demonstrating the non-super nature of Kryptonian brains. Captain ILL is no Brainiac himself, but at least he knows how to draw a "5".

Build a Better Burger (ILL of the day)

This heavily illustrated book is very difficult for Captain ILL, who is trying to eat healthy foods, to flip through. The Captain recently discovered something called a Boca Burger which seems to be a hamburger made out of sawdust rather than meat, and therefore containing far less calories. They are also cooked in a baggie in a microwave so lack the grilled deliciousness of the "Peppered Jamaican Jerk Burgers Normandy" or the "Spicy Sausage Burgers with Roasted Pepper Relish" contained in this book. Mmmmm! The Captain may have to go out to lunch today ...

Wrapped!

One of the dangers of booting evil is that you never know when some villain is going to seek retaliation. Captain ILL arrived in the secondary (non-secret) ILL cave this morning to discover that while he was away Friday, some sinister miscreants had wrapped his workspace is some sort of transparent substance not unlike flexible glass. Fortunately he was able to crawl underneath the stuff to get inside, but he can't help but wonder what other plans the perpetrators might have for his beloved ILLicle.

P.S. Captain ILL is offering a reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons responsible for this travesty. It will probably be somewhere in the $1,000,000 range.

Bob's Busy World (ILL of the day)

Several years ago, when Captain ILL was looking for a contractor to build his secret headquarters, he was referred to Bob the Builder by an associate. The Captain couldn't have been more pleased with Mr. Builder's work. He was very friendly and does excellent work, although, as the title of this book suggests, he is very busy, and if you're not a famous superhero, you may have difficulty scheduling a job. Even so, just tell him that Captain ILL sent you and he'll be certain to fit you into his schedule.

A Crime For Christmas (ILL of the day)

Captain ILL has the utmost respect for amateur crimefighters like Nancy Drew and Frank and Joe Hardy. In fact, way back in the day, when the Captain was just an itty bitty superhero, he would voraciously devour every Hardy Boy book he could get his hands on. While Captain ILL has his own particular crimefighting style that involves a lot more booting than Frank and Joe ever used, he ocassionally still has to find a clue now and then before the booting can commence. So thanks to Nancy and the Boys for reminding a stubborn old superhero of his roots; in their honor, for the next week, the Captain will find two clues for every criminal he boots instead of the usual zero.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL finally has the evidence he needs to prove how evil math and numbers really are! This book, The Mathematics of Juggling, lays out the relationship between math and juggling. So what? Many of you may not remember several years back when a villain called The Juggler selected several sinister schemes with a juggling theme to inflict on innocent victims. Well Captain ILL never forgets! The Juggler is very evil. There is some sort of relationship between juggling and math. Therefore math is evil too. If this logic seems too tortuous, consider this: Captain ILL feels that logic is pretty palsy walsy with math anyway, so anything logical should be regarded with a high level of suspicion.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts: Making Peace With Difficult People is, according to the back cover, "a practical, humorous, and informative book that integrates cutting-edge psychology, case studies, and healing principles". Now Captain ILL knows all about dealing with difficult people. When you've fought the likes of Magneto, Doctor Differential, and the Hulk, you can speak from a position of some expertise on the matter. Unfortunately, once again, there doesn't seem to be anything in this book about supervillains. For crying out loud, the Hulk alone rates a whole chapter in a book like this! Until the author can provide a bit of supervillian-related guidance, Captain ILL will continue to rely on his boots to do all his negotiating.

Doctor Differential!

Finally! Captain ILL has again enlisted my aid on a mission of extreme importance. Although my participation was once more limited to driving the car, the Captain assures me that without my assistance, success would have been terribly inconvenient. I received a call at 3:14 this morning from everyone's favorite Captain; the ILLmobile was in the shop again, and he needed someone to drive him to the scene of the crime. He seemed a bit impatient on the phone, but I gathered that Doctor Differential and his gang of irrational numbers were on the loose and it was only a matter of time before they committed yet another number-related crime. I jumped in the Honda and rushed over to the ILL cave. In my haste, I'm afraid I exceeded the speed limit by around 2.72 mph, but luckily the Captain was not present to witness this minor offense. After picking him up, Captain ILL filled me in on the details of the despicable Doctor's dastardly deed. Apparently Doctor Differential had been hired by the GOP (whom Captain ILL insists on calling the Grand Old Poopyheads) to break into the offices of a polling company with the intent to influence the upcoming election by messing with the polling data. The Republicans were planning to steal the election! I dropped him off outside the office building where the polling company was located and waited in the car. I was naturally curious about all the shouts, crashes and explosions coming from inside the building, but not curious enough to venture inside. After about 1.41 hours, a battered but victorious Captain ILL emerged dragging the nefarious but unconcious rogues behind him. The police arrived shortly thereafter, followed closely by the press. Captain ILL gave a short interview where he re-interated his opinion on the evils of numbers while Doctor Differential shouted out polynomials and swore vengeance on "the moron in the red longjohns who couldn't solve even a linear ordinary differential equation without removing his boots to count on his toes". The Captain left his boots on and delivered a swift kick to the Doctor's posterior as he was being forced into a police car.

In case anyone missed it, Captain ILL insisted that the moral of this story be posted in bold:

"Don't trust numbers! Most of them are irrational and the rest are imaginary!"


.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

When Captain ILL saw this book, Giant Clams, he had a flashback to the great clam invasion of 1698. No doubt most readers out there are familiar with Arlo Guthrie's masterpiece: The Story of Reuben Clamzo and His Strange Daughter In the Key of A, but many of you may not be aware that it is based on a true story. Captain ILL had a chance to participate in the giant clam attack due to a mishap with a time machine. The Captain may not know one end of a clampoon from another, but he knows how to boot evil, and you don't find creatures much eviler than giant clams! Unfortunately, there are still a few of these monsters out there, so if you live near the coast, you may want to join the Clamshell Alliance, and definitely keep a clampoon under your bed in case you hear the pitter patter of little giant clam feet in the middle of the night ...

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL, like all first-rate superheroes, has always had an eye for fashion. The Wonderful World of Ladies' Fashion only covers the years 1850-1920 which was unfortunately long before spandex was invented in 1959. Observe the garments on the front cover of this book. Can you imagine Supergirl or Wonder Woman flying or leaping around in clothing like that? Captain ILL isn't sure what superheroes wore in the olden days, but he imagines that they looked pretty goofy. Not at all like superheroes in these modern days who nearly always look incredibly sexy and magnificent. Just check out the portrait of the Captain to the right to see all the evidence you need.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL is always interested in books like The Taoist Secrets of Long Life and Good Health. The Captain isn't sure what that whole "Tao" thingie is, but he's pretty sure that it has something to do with kung fu. Good health and fitness, however, are important for everyone, especially superheroes. Just imagine chasing some scumbag thugs into a dead-end alley, only to find yourself out of breath when you finally corner them. There's nothing more embarrassing for a superhero than being beat up by a bunch of superpowerless thugs, except possibly a paunch in your skintight costume. So keep everyone keep fit! You never know when you might find yourself chasing a bunch of thugs down an alley, but if you just can't find the time to get to the gym, better invest in a slightly baggy costume like Captain ILL's.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Unless you're Mr. Furious, letting your anger get out of control is probably something that should be avoided. That's where this book, Getting Anger Under Control, comes in handy. Like the ILL of the day yesterday, God plays a large part in this book's method. Taking a random sample, Captain ILL counted 10 uses of the world "God" or "Christ" on page 208. No doubt this works fine for folks who have the patience for churching, praying, and tithing, but the Captain is all about shortcuts, so he went to visit his old pal Professor X, and had him use his powers of telepathy to go in and re-wire all the "anger parts" of Captain ILL's brain. Now whenever the Captain finds himself in an angry situation, he gets a sudden craving for turnips instead. This can create problems too (have you ever tried finding a turnip in the middle of a superbrawl?), but is vastly preferable to losing your cool during tense negotiations with someone who has a giant laser pointed at the Earth.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Riches Within Your Reach seems to be a book about how to use the power of God to get rich. Books like this make Captain ILL sad, and not just because the Captain is not rich himself. There are lots and lots of supervillains out there who started their careers with a simple goal like "I want to be the richest man in the world". Unfortunately, it's all too easy for a simple goal like that to lead someone down the path of villainy and despictitude! All superheroes know that money is a "gateway" vice that can never be satiated; from money comes power, from power comes superpower, and from there it's only a few short steps to torturing puppies and building doomsday devices. Captain ILL makes more than enough money for his simple needs by endorsing quality products and selling advertising space on his costume and ILLmobile ... he's never tempted by bribes or by offers to become an exclusive superhero for one of those big corporations like Pepsi or the Church of Scientology (or he wouldn't be tempted if he were actually offered one). Please follow the Captain's example and know when enough is enough.

Poll's closed

The votes are in, and with the exception of a single groovy vote, none of the other voters seem to have very strong feelings about Dots. However, we now have extensive Google research that proves that Dots do, in fact, suck, though possibly not as badly as Jujyfruits. If anyone can explain the mystery of the strange assortment of Jujyfruit shapes, please don't keep us in suspense.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

How To Prove It makes this claim on the back cover: "Many students have trouble the first time they take a mathematics course in which proofs play a significant role." Speaking from personal experience, Captain ILL finds this to be true, though he does not lay the blame on the subject of proofs. Long ago, when the Captain was in the 10th grade, he had geometry class with Mr. Mayberry. This nincompoop liked to say things like "then you say to yourself 'self' " and various other entertainingly moronic inanities. Mr. Mayberry was the worst teacher Captain ILL ever had, and this includes various math TAs who could not speak English. His idea of teaching involved standing before the class for five minutes or so and breezing through a few geometrical ideas, and pointing out that the textbook went into much greater depth. The rest of the class consisted of a free-for-all in which one girl spent her time throwing spitballs at the Captain. Shame on you Mr. Mayberry! Captain ILL is still pretty fuzzy about that whole Pythagorian Theorem thingie, and what the heck is a hypotenuse anyway?

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL didn't read Basic Refrigeration: Principles, Practice, Operation; he didn't even skim it. He didn't have to, because the Captain is a master of refrigeration. He's not one of those dolts who opens the refrigerator door and just stands there for several minutes letting everything inside warm up. Captain ILL always knows exactly where everything is in his own refrigerator, and even when he's operating someone else's refrigerator, he'll open it, quickly scan the contents, and close the door while he makes his selection. If the Captain had known that you could make a career out of refrigeration, he might never have got into the whole Booting of Evil thing; the sorts of things you find in a refrigerator are usually much yummier than the sorts of things you find in the secret hideouts of evil masterminds.

Breaking news!

Thanks to Bowlingjoe (a superhero in his own right with the rare ability to bowl a 300 game), we have this snapshot of Superman giving us a rare public glimpse of what an arrogant jerk he really is. It's better not to ask how Bowlingjoe got this picture, and the way Superman's words appear in text right next to him is certainly strange, but there can be no doubt that this is the real deal.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Everyone knows that you're supposed to be nice to spiders, but Captain ILL has always had a hard time with that because they're so darned icky. It doesn't help that they're sometimes hairy and poisonous as well. The Captain has always gotten along pretty well with Spiderman, but that's probably because, even in costume, Spidey doesn't look anything like a spider. Actually, he looks more like one of those red, white, and blue popsicles, which aren't icky at all, but very yummy. Spiders is a pretty thin book, but it includes things like a spider menu, a spider face mask, and a giant pull-out poster full of giant icky spiders. If you like spiders, you'll want to check this book out, but if you're like Captain ILL and think spiders are icky, you might want to have a popsicle instead.