Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL often cooperates closely with the Coast Guard when some aquatic supervillain needs to feel the boot of justice. In fact, a certain Lt. Commander Stocklin who has assisted the Captain from time to time has recently been notified of his impending promotion to full Commander. Congratulations! If memory serves, soon-to-be-commander Stocklin carries a book like the Chemical Data Guide for Bulk Shipment by Water in his car. Captain ILL remembers long ago while on a dangerous mission in the mountains, then lieutenant Stocklin spotted a train tanker car full of possibly hazardous material and was able to look it up in this handy book he kept in his glove compartment. This obviously impressed the Captain since you never know when you might need to know the fire & explosion hazard data for valeraldehyde.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Often, before the actual booting of Evil can commence, a bit of detective work is required to actually find the dacoits responsible for the evildoing. As related in a previous post, Captain ILL prefers a more physical approach to justice-seeking so it's a good thing there are plenty of detectives out there to assist the Captain when he needs some brainwork done. For those few situations where Captain ILL is unable to call in outside help, The Master Detective Handbook will no doubt provide invaluable advice. However, the Captain will avoid reading it until the last minute because, a) it's not available as an audio book, and b) what are the chances that Captain ILL will ever be required to use his brain anyway?

A new poll!

Halloween must be nearly here since the stores are already packed with candy, so it's time for a new candy-related poll. It's come to Captain ILL's attention that not everyone out there likes Dots, the gumdrop-like candy made by the Tootsie Roll people. Such an important issue demands a poll so the facts can be laid bare, so weigh in people!

P.S. New information has just been given to Captain ILL that each Dot contains 11.66666666666666666666666666666666666666667 calories.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

The Small Woman is a biography of a woman who was, apparently, small. More interestingly, the title reminds Captain ILL of the time he accidentally sat on one of his colleagues, The Wasp. She was understandably upset, and the Captain was horrified, but really, if you're only a half inch tall you shouldn't be using full sized furniture. One of her wings was slightly bent, so for several weeks after "the incident" she tended to veer slightly to the left when flying. This wouldn't have been a great handicap except that, while flying through the kitchen of the Avenger's Mansion, Captain ILL accidentally trapped her inside the refrigerator. The Captain hasn't received any invitations back there since.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL knows all about getting into pots; he gets into a pot every day when he dons his adamantine headgear and shuffles out to fight crime. Getting Into Pots: A Basic Pottery Manual refers to something a bit different-the making of pots out of clay. Captain ILL knows at least one potter who occasionally reads this blog (but has yet to leave a comment), so he will refrain from going on at length on a topic he knows nothing about. There is one thing he can say with a fair degree of confidence though: a clay pot would be a poor substitute for the Captain's trusty metal headgear. If he had been wearing a clay pot on his head that day when Freddy Furious threw a truck at him, the truck would have crushed the clay pot (and the Captain's head) instead of bouncing off his adamantine pot and crushing his elbow instead.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Healing Secrets of the Native Americans purports to enable the reader to "discover all-natural treatments for more than 40 ailments from acne to wrinkles". Captain ILL used to be skeptical of this sort of thing until he broke his elbow a few years back when a truck fell on it. Now hospitals are notoriously incapable of treating superheroes, so when the Captain's old buddy Apache Chief, of the Super Friends suggested a Native American healer, Captain ILL was in no position to refuse. This fellow, who went by the name Don Juan, did a bang up job, though the Captain isn't sure exactly what sort of treatment he used because the first thing he did when he arrived was to feed Captain ILL several peyote buttons. Everything was kind of a blur after that ... a fantastic, multi-hued, blur of shapes, sounds, and smells. Afterward the elbow was much better and, other than an occasional tendency to smell colors, Captain ILL suffered no adverse side effects and, even better, didn't have to fill out any insurance forms.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL is always looking for new tips and tricks in his pursuit of justice, so when he saw Forbidden Advice: 1,703 Rarely Divulged Secrets To Save Time, Money, and Trouble he had to have quick skim. Unfortunately, there is no section on "crimefighting" or "justice" in the index, though there are entries for "earwax" and "gluteus maximus". In fact, most of the information in this book could be filed under "common sense", though the Captain is well aware of how rare "common sense" actually is. Captain ILL can't recommend this book for crimefighters but if you would like to know how to relieve anxiety with sunflower seeds, you may want to check it out.

Interlibrary Loan of the Friday

Baby Matters: What your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your Baby was written by a chiropractor. Captain ILL isn't sure that this makes any sense, but it is what it is; facts don't have to make sense! The Captain took some time off this past weekend from booting Evil to babysit his niece and nephew while their parents attended some beer festival. Neither of these two little folks is really a baby anymore, though you wouldn't know it from his two-year-old nephew's bathroom habits. He's supposed to be at the stage where he goes into the bathroom by himself now, but apparently he made an exception for Captain ILL. The little guy went through a half dozen pull-ups and three pairs of pants in the 24 hours he spent at the Captain's secret headquarters. Fifteen minutes before his mother arrived to pick him up, he left an extra-special package in his pull-up that the Captain was obliged to clean up. Luckily Captain ILL has special facilities for disposing of hazardous materials that he usually uses for doomsday devices and nuclear waste, but also serves for poopy pull-ups.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

If you're anything like Captain ILL, you feel that math can be pretty darned useful, even necessary, though often completely incomprehensible to those of us who aren't eggheads. Captain ILL remembers sitting in his differential equations class thinking "what the heck is this bozo talking about and what is Captain ILL doing in a differential equations class anyway?" Dinah Zike's Big Book of Math isn't a really big book, but it does have lots of pictures, charts, and diagrams, which is a big plus in Captain ILL's book. Compare this:



With this:



And decide for yourself which book you would like to learn math from.


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Interlibrary Loan of the day

The Chicken Health Handbook is "a must-have reference for the small flock owner". Just look at that chicken on the cover! Doesn't she look healthy? Captain ILL has had the misfortune of working with Chickenman, a third-rate superhero with delusions of grandeur. The delusions of grandeur didn't offend the Captain's sensibilities; most superheroes suffer from some sort of delusion. It was the chicken feathers and poor hygiene that Captain ILL objected to. How does a six foot chicken man shed so many feathers? Feathers in the food, feathers all over the costumes, feathers in the antimatter intake of the ILLmobile ... it was all just too much. Eventually, Captain ILL convinced Chickenman to retire. Last the Captain heard he had married the Chicken Lady and they were both very involved in the free range chicken movement.

Finetunes at last

Captain ILL has finally finished his Finetune assignment by copying a bunch of the files in his mp3 folder into a Finetune playlist. Unfortunately, Finetune only allows 3 songs per artists, and it was pretty difficult choosing just 3 for some bands so he ended up with only 486 songs instead of several thousand. Undoubtedly there are many splendid songs that the Captain has overlooked, but the Finetune interface doesn't seem very friendly for adding lots of titles. If anyone has any tips, please pass them on.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

TV Sets: Fantasy Blueprints of Classic TV Homes is an awesome book! Ever wonder how the upstairs bedrooms were arranged in the homes of the Brady Bunch or the Partridge Family? Do you want to know the exact placement of Gomez's steer-horn chair in the Addams Family's living room? Are you curious to see if the Flintstone's have a bathroom inside their home? All these questions and more are answered in this fascinating book. Captain ILL is a bit stumped by one thing though. There are two sets of plans for the Cleaver's home; apparently they moved at some point from 513 Grant Avenue to 211 Pine Street. Obviously the Captain needs to accelerate his viewing of his Leave It To Beaver DVD collection so he can keep up with these important facts.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

The Mandala of Sherlock Holmes details the adventures of the Great Detective in India and Tibet following his supposed death at Reichenbach Falls. Now Sherlock Holmes was one of the very first superheroes; he couldn't leap tall buildings, but he could bend an iron bar and his deductive abilities are without equal even today. Captain ILL has a great deal of respect for the Great Detective, even though their crimefighting styles are very different. The Captain prefers not to exercise his brain too much ... it gives him headaches. He finds it much easier to get out there and start booting. Very rarely has he booted an innocent person, but one of the advantages of boots over laser beams is that boots are nonlethal, and the booted persons in question are usually very understanding, if a bit bruised. So even though Captain ILL does not advocate the use of brains in the pursuit of justice, he can see how it sometimes might come in handy.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Vampire: A Sensual Romance Novella is not the only romantic vampire book Captain ILL has seen come across the ILL desk. The Captain has fought several vampires in his superheroing career, and he has trouble understanding what the attraction is. Vampires are essentially walking corpses who feed on human blood, and booting one can only be described as "icky". Perhaps the whole "bad boy" image accounts for some of the fascination, but, as much as Captain ILL hates to admit it, any woman interested in a bad boy would be better served by an evil genius than a walking corpse. There don't seem to be any romance novels dealing with mad scientists though; probably the maniacal cackling is a turn-off. There is a huge ILL market for romance novels about doctors though, especially if they happen to be from Texas. If some enterprising romance author out there invented a character who was a gifted surgeon during the week, a cowboy on the weekends, but who is also secretly a vampire, they'd have a certain best-seller.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL is not too fond of thinking. Too many of the world's problems can be traced to too much thought, especially the evil genius sort. The Captain always says that a well placed boot can solve a problem much more quickly and efficiently than hours and hours of messy, repetitive thinking. Smart Thinking "is a practical, step-by-step guide to improving skills in analysis and critical thinking, and the effective communication of arguments and explanations." What a mouthful! Captain ILL bets that it took a lot of thought to come up with all those big words. Don't read this book! Don't listen to all those rampaging thoughts in your head telling you to check out this book so you can finally be as smart as all your friends. Think less, feel more, and life will reward you.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL has fought all sorts of terrible creatures in his career: bug-eyed monsters from mars, mad scientists, Dick Cheney; but none have brought a chill to his heart like the time he was surrounded by a dozen ninja librarians. All masters of shush-fu, with razor sharp shuriken hidden in their hair buns, the Captain was ambushed late one evening while searching for a book about proper boot maintenance. Those ninja librarians were tough customers, and beat Captain ILL to within an inch of his life before depositing him outside the front door. The Captain learned a valuable lesson that night: when the lights flash in the library, it means it's closing time and you'd better head for the door before the ninja librarians come out to teach you their lesson in promptness.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Mythbusters: The Explosive Truth Behind 30 of the Most Perplexing Urban Legends of All Time is a pretty self descriptive title. One of the legends these gentlemen bust bears further examination though, since it was the central element in a plot by Professor Perfidy to hold the entire borough of Manhattan for ransom. Professor Perfidy isn't actually a professor of anything, and it turns out that his science is a bit shaky. So when he cooked up the idea to build a "Penny Dropping Doomsday Device" on the top of the Empire State Building capable of launching millions of pennies across Manhattan, he didn't bother to conduct any experiments first, or even do any math. So there he was up there on the observation deck with a dozen henchmen and and the PDDD filled with about $60,000 worth of pennies, demanding equal rights for insects and the right to yell "fire!" in a crowded movie theater. Captain ILL was all ready to go up there and do some evil booting when a quick thinking bystander pointed out that a penny dropped from the top the the Empire State Building not only wouldn't kill anyone, but it might, in fact, give them a bit of good luck. When this was pointed out to Professor Perfidy, he surrendered without a fuss; no doubt he was much too embarassed to put up a struggle at that point.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

The Origins of Christmas is a book that answers important questions like: "When was Christmas first celebrated?" and "How did December 25th become its date?". There doesn't seem to be much about Santa Claus in this book, which is very disappointing to Captain ILL as he is a big fan of Mr. Claus. Knowing this, you can imagine how honored he was to get a call a number of years back in late December from a very ill Santa. He had come down with a particularly debilitating virus, and could barely summon the strength to beg Captain ILL to take over his duties on Christmas Eve. Of course the Captain already had plans but you don't say no to Santa, so he packed a bag and caught the next reindeer to the North Pole. What a place! Snow, toys, elves, reindeer - everything you would expect and more. There was barely time to learn how to pilot the sleigh before taking off for the south. Captain ILL doesn't remember much about that night, between the breakneck speed of the trip, and the bottle of whiskey he found under the seat. Luckily the reindeer knew the route, and most of the presents ended up where they belonged. However, if you remember a Christmas several years ago when you got a bag of turnips instead of a Barbie Doll, don't blame Santa Claus; Captain ILL is very sorry.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Half Human Half Animal is a book about werewolves and similar creatures. Captain ILL has had occasion to work with werewolves, sharkmen, ratmen, and even stranger creatures. Generally these folks have had pretty hard lives due to their strange appearance and, sometimes, craving for human blood. Because of this they often tragically turn to a life of evil and villainy. Of course an accident of birth is no excuse for evil, and the Captain has often had to plant his boot on some poor wolfman to emphasize this point. He always does such evil booting in a very compassionate fashion though, because he is, at heart, a big softie. Of course some creatures are evil through-and-through and undeserving of compassion at all, so Captain ILL is able to unleash the full fury of his righteous booting anger.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL is a big fan of wheat. You can find wheat in all kids of delicious things including: bread, cookies, and Twinkies (you'll have to take the Captain's word on that last one). While Captain ILL is very fond of all the delicious things you can make with wheat, he never thought of it as "amazing", and, unfortunately, this book was not able to alter his opinion. Who ever heard of a cookbook with no pictures in it? This book's single picture appears on the cover, and you can see for yourself how bland that is. The Captain recommends skipping The Amazing Wheat Book and picking up something by the inimitable Betty Crocker instead. She, at least, knows the value of a full-page color picture of a mouthwatering treat.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL usually limits his evil stomping to dry land; when you're undersea, it can be very difficult to get a good stomp going due to water resistance. Unfortunately, evil can be pretty uncooperative, and it's necessary to follow it wherever it may lead. The last time Captain ILL had an adventure under the waves was a couple years ago when he got a call from his old friend Hydrodude. It's a long, complicated story, but suffice it to say that the Captain learned how hard it is to stomp a Carcharodon Carcharias from the inside. Beneath the Seven Seas doesn't really address all the evil creatures living in the oceans, but it does have lots of cool pictures which is almost as good in the Captain's eyes.

Interlibrary Loan of the day

Captain ILL once helped Mr. Brain, a not-quite-evil scientist who's only about half mad, build a rocket ship. They needed to get to Mars in a hurry, so they cut lots of corners on the design and construction. For example, there were none of those cool fins on the sides like you usually see on rockets. Also, none of the instrument panels lit up with nifty glowing buttons. Still, it did get them to Mars, where they were able to rescue Miss Marvelous from the clutches of the Bug Eyed Monsters From Mars. They did run into a bit of trouble on the way back when the rocket ship burnt up upon re-entry into Earth's atmosphere. Fortunately, Miss Marvelous and Captain ILL were able to withstand the extreme temperatures (though their costumes did not, but that's another story). Unfortunately Mr. Brain's superpower was his super-intelligence, and not the ability to withstand several thousand degrees of heat, so he won't be able to learn better rocket ship construction from Model Rocket Design and Construction.